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I’m not drunk, I’m just exhausted from drinking all night.
I usually don`t argue with the doctor but I don`t think "Batshit Crazy" is a legitimate medical term.
Wife is out of town until tomorrow night. Anyone wanna come sit on the other end of the sofa and ignore me?
I had a blind date once, her name was ..::..::.:::::…:::::
I have no problem giving credit when credit is due. But giving payment when payment is due is an entirely different thing.
Just realized that 90% of Disney cartoons involve lying about your identity to get someone to love you.
Ninja Mode is not a plausible excuse for not being seen at work.
I`m absolutely nailing this "I give a sh!t" face today!
No one your age has any idea what they`re doing either. No matter what age you are.
I`m so good, I scream my own name out during sex.
Apparently, you shouldn’t ask your wife if she’s off her meds more than once a week…
Step aside coffee… this is a job for booze.
You washed your hands? Be honest. Your hands washed each other, and you just watched like a sick freak.
Arm wrestling is DEFINITELY the manliest sport where Two dudes hold hands...
My husband told me he needed more space ... So I locked him outside.