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Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing is like shoveling the walk while it´s still snowing
If you were a Pokemon, I`d choose you.
Let`s fix the obesity problem AND improve eye-hand coordination by replacing vending machines with claw machines, make people earn snacks.
Remember…it’s only embarrassing if you care what people think.
Saying I have a drinking problem is like saying Bruce Lee had a kung fu problem, it`s not a problem if you`re good at it.
I just bought a medical alert bracelet that says ... "Probably just sh!tfaced."
Do I look like Christopher Columbus? Am I guiding a ship to a new land? So, when I ask for directions, please don`t use words like "East."
this isn`t the status you`re looking for
I wonder who was the first person to see an egg come out of a chicken`s booty and think..."I`m gonna eat that!"
My boss was all, "Do you know why I called you to the office, " and I was like, "I dunno is there a hidden security camera in the bathroom."
I hate driving so much that I even ring for taxis on grand theft auto.
Do athletic people not know about Netflix?
Have you ever realized that sleeping is just your eyes staring at your eyelids all night long?
I want the drugs of the first guy who was like "DUDE, let`s carve a face into a pumpkin."
my girlfriend asked me to go to the store and pick her up 50 shades of grey, she was pretty mad when i brought home 50 tubes of lipstick.