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They told me to come here and write something funny, so I`m gonna post my bank account balance: -$4.09
My interventions would be so much more effective if every single reason I drink wasn`t there
I`m 99.9% certain that every time a sock goes missing in the dryer, it comes back as an extra tupperware lid
Girls are like guitars: easy to strum, hard to tune
life is too short to think twice and act wise....
They`ve got this brand new machine at the gym. I only used it for about an hour because I started to feel sick, but it`s awesome - it`s got Mars Bars, KitKat Chunkys, Cheetos, crisps.... everything!
There’s always that last setting on your windshield wipers that makes you go “damn, calm the f*ck down!”
Nobody cares what you`re gonna do in 2015. Now post some nudes.
Announcement: .. the Time Travelers Meeting scheduled for today will be held last Thursday
I made a huge TO DO list for this weekend. I just can’t figure out who’s going to do it.
YouTube is so addicting, I click on a music video and next thing you know I`m watching how to make ice cream.
Whenever I get sick, I get my immune system drunk so it will fight anything.
In other news millions of facebook user suddenly got their law degree
I hear they designed the newest iPhone to fit perfectly in your hand, right where your money used to be.
Hi, you`ve reached my voicemail. Why are you doing this?