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Do you think they still give out chips in Gambler`s Anonymous?
I want someone to look at me the way I look at the waiter when he brings my meal.
United should roll out Rodeo Rewards where you get paid based on how long you are able to stay on the plane when you are chosen to volunteer.
I must say I enjoy it more when a girl asks me out. To me, there`s nothing more attractive than that high level of confidence, initiative, and poor judgment.
No one in my entire life has believed in me more than the waiter who just gave me a single napkin to use while eating my lunch
Imagine how bad it would be if everyone could hear what you were thinking.
this guy with binoculars has been watching me watch him with binoculars and i don`t know who`s winning
The problem with kleptomaniacs is that they take things so literally.
I checked into a hotel this weekend. I told the girl I hoped the porn channel was disabled. She said "No, its just regular porn, you sicko"
I don`t normally poop with the door open, but I don`t want to miss the in flight movie
I like wearing glasses because I like to dramatically remove them before I say something profound. Doing that with contacts doesn`t have the same effect.
I hate taking down Christmas decorations just to put up Halloween decorations...
If you have a parrot and you don’t teach it to say,”Help, they’ve turned me into a parrot”, you are wasting everybody’s time.
I wish that life had an option for viewing other available episodes.
I would love to kill you with kindness, but all I have is this knife.