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At least mosquitos are attracted to me.
I love long legs.... Long sexy legs..... But not on a Spider, I hate long sexy legs on a Spider.
60% of women fake orgasm.. 100% of men don`t give a sh*t about it..
I just want to find someone who will love me for exactly who I am pretending to be.
Plumbers should keep busy this week now that No Shave November is over..
If your phone doesn´t ring it´s me.
My favorite beer is the next one.
Adding “and sh!t” to the end of a sentence to make it sound cooler and sh!t.
why would i ever pay to go to a nascar event when i could get drunk beside the interstate and cheer for cars for free
A trail of clothes leading to my bedroom means I dropped them on the way from the dryer.
I don’t trust public opinion polls because they don’t take into consideration the fact that the public is made up of mostly idiots.
What did the sushi say to the bee? Wasabi.
Being gay is fine. Being lesbian is fine. Being straight is fine. But do you know what’s not fine? Wearing crocs. That is NOT okay
I hate it when I have guests at my house and they ask "Do you have a bathroom?" No, we poop in the yard.
The longer I sit in this drive-thru, the more pennies I’m going to pay with.