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Why is it that whenever there`s two women in a profile pic, the hot one is always someone else..?
No matter how prepared you think you are, a retractable vacuum cord will always find the weakness in your defense.
I started seeing this girl recently. She sometimes texts. Sometimes Whatsapps. Sometimes she emails. Sometimes she Facebooks. Im getting mixed messages.
All I`m saying is why blame it on being lazy when you can blame it on being old?
You know it’s going to be a bad day when your horoscope starts with… “Are you sitting down?”
I was told that I had an alcohol problem, but I think me and Captain Morgan have it figured out..
I can bench 250 lbs. And by that, I mean, I can sit myself down on a bench in a local park.
There`s a word for people like you and that word is "leave."
We should not have trusted anything Charlotte wrote in her web. She was consistently talking out of her ass.
The well behaved rarely make history.
I don`t take steroids because I never want to look like I`m capable of helping my friends move.
You can pick your friends, and you can pick your nose, but you can`t flick your friends out the car window
I like to refer to myself as a "Second-hand Vegetarian". Animals eat grass. I eat animals.
I`m the type of person who will throw away the manual and ponder for 3 hours "where the hell do I start"
Subway only exists because we`re all too damn lazy to throw a sandwich together. "Could you lay meat on that bread for me? Here`s $8."