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My level of sarcasm is to the point where I don`t even know if I`m kidding or not.
For Halloween I`m going as an invisible person. I will be at all your parties.
I tried to make both ends meet, but I`m a poor judge of distance.
The package says "Do not eat raw cookie dough" but all I really see is "Pillsbury hates you and doesn`t want you to be happy."
Bored? Find group photo of 4 women. Comment "You 3 look incredible!!"
I bought my Ex a chair ... But the state won`t let me plug it in.
I walked into SeaWorld with a fishing pole once. I gotta tell ya, those security guards can really run.
That moment when I try and be helpful to a blind man getting off the bus by saying, "watch your step"
According to my neighbor`s rooster, it`s 5am now. Also according to my neighbor`s rooster, we`re having fried chicken for dinner tomorrow.
I can update Facebook from anywhere. Even when crossing the stre
The doctor said I should be drinking more whiskey. Also, I’m calling myself “the doctor” now.
The internet has made me so ADD. Started off googling "how to replace a timing belt" ended up watching a video on how to milk a camel.
Without ME, it’s just AWESO.
I don`t care how loud I`m laughing, I`m having fun and you`re not.
I think Labor Day is to remind people that after a full day with the family, going to work actually isn`t so bad after all.