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PMS is no joke, you guys. I just ate like three bags of Reese`s Pieces. Oh, and my wife`s really being a bitch.
All I`m saying is if guys were meant to make them, they`d be call sandWIZARDS.
I like surprises. Not the `finger in my a$$ without permission` kind, but flowers are always nice.
I inject vodka right into the orange. Screwdriver-to-go
Have you ever laid down in bed and start thinking.. Where the hell are my pants!!??
the kids next door have challenged me to a water balloon fight. just updating my status while waiting on the water to boil.
I would like to congratulate my ex`s new boyfriend on giving up blow jobs.
A lot of people are only alive because I shed too much hair to ever get away with murder.
If you don`t leave a buffet looking like someone told you bad news you didn`t get your money`s worth.
Have you ever said something and immediately thought “I didn’t know I knew that."
The nighttime, sniffling, sneezing, coughing, aching, stuffy head, fever so I can rest medicine didn´t work. I´m going to try 1 bourbon, 1 scotch and 1 beer instead.
Finding a date on the internet is so much easier than real life because how are they supposed to know that`s not your Ferrari?
I walked briskly with scissors today. I’m pretty wild.
Apparently people don`t like it when you lick your thumb and wipe all that black dirt off their forehead.
The moment you empty your vacuum cleaner is the moment you become a vacuum cleaner.