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Based on the sounds coming from my neighbors house, they`re either having amazing sex or putting together a dresser from Ikea.
If its so great outside why do bugs try to get in my f*cking house?
There is no "we" in "bacon", so don`t even ask.
One would have to assume that Amish chicks carve their own sex toys.
I`m convinced that every time a sock goes missing from the dryer, it comes back as an extra tupperware lid.
Told my wife I wanted our kids every other weekend and she reminded me that we`re married & live together so I`d have to see them every day.
The scariest US president was Rushmore, because he had 4 heads
My internet is so slow, it`s just faster to drive to the Google headquarters and ask them in person.
If you`ve ever wondered why an animal is stupid enough to run into oncoming traffic on the highway, then you`ve obviously never been married.
You think I’m mean? If only you knew what I say in my head.
Know why girls cross their arms when they`re angry? Boobs. Just a little reminder of who`s in charge around here.
May have put up a few too many Christmas lights. A 747 just landed in the backyard.
If you pour two beers into one glass, it becomes just one beer.
Don’t let anybody push you around ... unless you’re in a wagon, cuz that is just plain fun.
Sometimes the fact that bacon exists is enough.