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Besides creating dinosaurs are mosquitos good for anything?
I just poured myself some iced tea. I could have sworn I heard one of the beers in my fridge whisper "What the F*ck!?"
Surgery beds are basically cutting boards for humans.
I wish I could use Shazam to identify people when I cant remember their name.
I`m afraid to hug fat girls....what if they`re hungry?
Is it wrong to drop off drunks at houses that aren`t theirs?
Waking up an hour early gives you an extra hour to wish you were still in bed.
My dad`s TV volume is always set at "f*ck the neighbors".
Screw your recommended serving size. You don`t know me.
Sometimes it takes me a full 8 hours to get nothing done.
I still like going into Burger King and ordering a McWhopper and a McFry.
What did the blanket say as it fell off the bed? Oh sheet.
Pretty sure one of my ex-girlfriends added the, "are you still listening?" feature on Pandora.
I`ll go to extreme lengths to get the last bit of toothpaste from the tube but I`ll also watch 2 hrs of Nick Jr if I can`t reach the remote.
I do what I want, when I want, where I want.. if my mom says its ok. :)