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Either I need to up my dosage or my income.
You`ve got to be twins. You`re too stupid to be one person.
Few things in life are more pleasurable than turning off the lights in a public bathroom while people are still inside.
The real reason the Mayan civilization collapsed is they never updated their Adobe.
I`m getting older but I still have my moments...though I don`t always remember where I put them
Why do hospitals need to advertise? It`s not like I`m going to go to Home Depot instead.
When I`m happy, I drink and when I drink, I`m happy. Win/Win!!
Fire at will! Oh, it`s you, Bob! Fire at Bob!"
Who wants to do something we will regret in the morning? Anyone?
hey single people..tomorrow is officially `rebound day` after all the ridiculously high romantic expectations end in `epic fail`
There is nothing worse then trying to watch porn with a slow internet connection.
Turns out a crash diet doesn`t mean having vodka with every meal and falling down the stairs at noon!
I called McDonald`s to make a reservation for Valentine`s Day, just to listen to the stammering and confusion from the kid answering the phone.
What the world needs is a self help movie, cause lets face it, most of us won`t buy the book.
Bill Gates: A billi a billi a billi JayZ: Half billi half billi half billi Lil Wayne: A milli a milli a milli Me: A dollar a dollar a dollar