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If you rub two sticks together fast enough, you`ll eventually start a widespread panic on the subway.
Things that schools worry about Drugs 1% Graduating 1% drop outs 1% the inportance of using a number 2 pencil on standardized tests 97%
Sometimes I get nervous I haven`t done anything with my life. But then something good comes on TV, and I`m OK.
Step 1: Remove food from packaging. Step 2: Throw out packaging Step. 3: Dig packaging out of trash to locate cook time, Repeat steps 2 & 3 as necessary
I can`t decide what`s more embarrassing - the fact that I still live out of a suitcase, or that I`m a professional ventriloquist dummy.
When your wife`s in labour, never sneak a look at the business end; it`s like watching your favourite pub burn down.
I was raised on the streets is more manly than saying I grew up watching Sesame Street.
If your phone gets wet, try putting it in a bag of dry rice. At night the rice will attract Asians who will fix your phone for you.
Why did they send me to this white room? Do they think I`m crazy? Do they think I`m ...HOLY CRAP THE WALLS ARE FLUFFY!!!
Sex Ed should require them to listen to a crying baby for 5 hours, and to watch the same episode of a cartoon over and over again.
There`s only one kind of exercise I know and its the beer run.
If idiots could fly this place would be an airport.
Don`t text me while I`m texting you. Now I have to go back and change my text.
You’re not important enough to have haters. You just have a few people who notice you’re an a$$hole.
I`m doing a charity gig tonight for people who struggle to achieve orgasm. Don`t worry if you can`t come