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I have short term memory. I also like to fish. Also, I have short term memory.
Nice try Jehovah’s Witnesses but dressing up like cops and telling me you have a warrant is not going to get me to open my door.
I`m an adult. I can eat a cupcake for breakfast & call it a muffin if I want
Sarcasm is just one of the many services I offer to people who ask stupid questions.
I don’t know why Tampax and Hershey have not joined forces yet. Taping a pack of Reese’s to a box of tampons could literally save lives.
I`m not sure what my credit score is but I`m pretty sure I`m losing.
Kids are like debit cards. I get yelled at when I accidentally leave them at the store.
Can’t wait till I’m old and I can play the ‘fall asleep’ card in awkward situations.
YouTube "This video is not available in your country". where the hell am I from? NARNIA?
I bought a pair of Meatloaf underwear today. On the front they say `I would do anything for love`. On the back, `But I wont do that!`
I’ve been single so long I deserve a bachelors degree.
Sometimes, the first step to forgiveness is understanding that the other person is an idiot.
Her profile said she was a stone cold freak. Turns out she was just a wrestling fan with bad capitalization skills. :(
Be nice to people on your way up so they won’t get suspicious when you’re rich and you invite them to your island to hunt them for sport.
I used to think I was a man of vision. Now i`m pretty sure they`re hallucinations.