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It`s been few days since I heard from the voices in my head, I think it`s the calm before the storm. Some big sh!t is gonna go down!!
This town has more white trash in it than a dumpster behind a paper plate factory
I used to drink a lot in the 80s. Then I realized, who cares what the temperature is.
I tried yoga once, but we called it Twister
Things I hate about work: 1. Waking up 2. Humans 3. Working
What happened to all the Sour Patch parents?
I knew I`d be a great parent. Kids aren`t nearly as difficult to take care of as my drunk friends.
Why is it called a "personal trainer", instead of an "exercist"?
If I’ve learned anything from Game of Thrones it’s that I need a wolf.
Went for a mile run today. Stupid Ice Cream Man just kept driving even though I was waving my money in the air!
I`m in big trouble if my coworkers find out I don`t really have Tourette`s.
Helpful Tip: You can’t get in trouble for leaving work early if you disable the security cameras and crawl out the air-conditioning duct.
I hear lots of doctors are prescribing medical marijuana for arthritis. Given that arthritis is "inflammation of the joints", it`s fighting fire with fire!
I just told my wife it took her longer to pick a Netflix movie than it took me to pick out her engagement ring and that was a bad analogy.
When I was a kid, my parents told me I could be anyone I wanted to be. Turns out, this is called "Identity Theft".