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I asked my kid “do you know why we have a Thanksgiving holiday?” He said, “Sure! It’s so we know when to start Christmas shopping!”
If you`re one in a million, there are more than 7,000 of you.
Still haven`t answered my life`s calling... I`ve always just assumed it dialed the wrong number.
A hard thing about business is minding your own
Old enough to know better, young enough to take a dare...
You know it`s time to get a girlfriend when you masturbate in different positions
If money cant buy happiness,explain beer!
My husband told me that in some cultures women do all the housework, so I told him in some cultures blow jobs don`t exist. He`s vacuuming.
I don`t go crazy. I am crazy. I just go normal from time to time.
Why do people always feel safe under blankets...its not like a murderer will break in and be like "I`M GONNA KILL YAA__AAHHHhhhh dang he is under a blanket.
You can`t control who comes into your life. But you can control which window you throw them out of.
Why are you walking away when we`re in the middle of discussing our wedding plans? Come back! ... At least give me your number!
I’m still kind of pissed they never told us how to get to Sesame Street.
Home is where the pants aren’t.
I like to listen to mexican radio but I dont know what they are singing or saying so I just pretend they are singing about how awesome I am.