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I`m never wrong. One time, I thought I was wrong, but I was mistaken.
Coffee has given me unrealistic expectations of productivity.
Every day is a struggle between wanting to lose weight and wanting to eat my weight in pizza.
Using my invisible hula hoop really freaks people out.
The bed is always the comfiest right at the time you are supposed to be getting out of it
I was gonna call you... but I`m still sober.
A friend came over visibly shaken. He said he had just slept with his 3rd cousin. I told him, if it upsets you that much quit counting them.
Guys I can`t be leave I`m sharing this with you, but I saw my self on TV. After I turned it off.
I dont need to control my anger everyone around me needs to control their habit of pissing me off!
YouTube is so addicting, I click on a music video and next thing you know I`m watching how to make ice cream.
If you can`t read the bottom of the eye chart, spell something dirty. Eye doctors love that sh!t.
Considering that dogs pee to mark territory, they probably think humans are constantly battling over who gets to claim the toilet.
I just realized that Mr. Rogers had the first man-cave.
Weekends will from now on begin on Wednesday because that is when it should truly begin!
I need to find a woman that loves me for my money....but doesn`t understand math. (<>..,<>)