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I passed a homeless guy who asked "Any change!?" I said "Nope, your still dirty and homeless". We laughed and laughed and then he stabbed me
If my body was a car, I`d trade it in for a newer model. Cause everytime I cough or sneeze, my radiator leeks and my exhaust backfires.
The most difficult part about taking a personality test is deciding which personality should take it.
Not quite feeling myself today. I`m going to see if booze helps...
You always remember your first Crush. Mine was Orange.
You know you are getting old when people start telling you how young you look.
I dropped my affordable health care because I couldn`t afford it .
Dear vegetarians, thanks for saving all the good food for us.
The original creator of the phrase “common sense” surely didn’t know many people.
Words and phrases I hope do not appear in my obituary: "Skeletal remains", "Dumpster", "Beyond recognition", "Decapitated", "Dental records", "Shallow grave", "Strewn", and "Suicide by Cop."
Has anyone else ever noticed that the word therapist spells, "the rapist," when split into 2 words?
There better be strippers & beer at my intervention because there is no way in hell I`m sitting through that sober.
Tequila, because sometimes you and your toilet need to hug it out.
I got Mood Poisoning. Must have been something I hate.
Pizza delivery cars should be allowed to use sirens.