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I really would love to see two mimes arguing.
Today, A 12 year-old came up to me and said "May I please have a cigarette?". I can`t believe kids this age are already so polite.
I celebrate 4/20 on January 5th, because I know how to reduce fractions unlik the rest of you morons.
I slept with my best friend’s wife last night and now I feel terrible. …. ….. She must have given me a cold or something.
Didn`t sleep much but I got a few solid hours of worrying done.
Vegans think they will live longer than us, but they don`t realize they are 100 times more likely to be murdered mid conversation.
Being able to eat while watching Hannibal makes you more of a psychopath than anyone on the show.
I didn’t scream out someone else’s name during sex. I was thinking of baby names in case you get pregnant…
If it wasn’t for profanity, I wouldn’t be a pro at anything.
My version of flirting is looking at someone attractive multiple times while hoping they are more brave than I am.
My "check engine" light came on while driving to work this morning. I looked and the engine is still there...silly light.
Apparently dyslexia is not a good excuse for driving 53 in a 35.
I’ve learned to use meditation to handle stress. Just kidding, I’m on my third glass of wine.
I hate it when I gain 20 pounds for a role and then realize I`m not an actor.
Write me your opinions on this extra soft paper and leave it next to my toilet.