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Do I have to wake up? I just woke up yesterday.
Due to unforeseen circumstances, I will only be jingling "part" of the way this year, as usual ur patience is appreciated.
Don`t run with scissors -- unless you`re stealing scissors, of course. If so, run. Run like the wind scissor thief!
Sometimes I whisper, "I´m on your side" to the computers, just in case they ever succeed in taking over the world.
So, if I lie to the government, it’s a felony. But if they lie to me its politics?
It doesn´t matter if the glass is half empty or half full. There is clearly room for more alcohol.
Remember, Christmas is over if you sit on a strangers lap now and ask for stuff it`s because you`re a whore.
Most of my thoughts have been coming from a very dark place lately. That`s what happens when you forget to pay your electric bill
The most frustrating thing I`ve ever tried to do was throw away a trash can.
If you ever hit rock bottom, bring some beer. I`m almost out.
I`m so, so sorry I started the whole Facebook Is Going To Start Charging thing. I didn`t think it would go THIS far..... sorry
Instead of going to Starbucks, I like to make my own coffee, yell my name out incorrectly, and then light a $5 bill on fire.
The fact that you don’t find me amazing doesn’t bother me at all, it just confirms what I have suspected all along; that you have bad taste.
Hillary Clinton is running for president. In other news, grass is green and the sun is hot.
As a kid, I used to be afraid of the dark. Now as an adult, I love the dark because I’m terrified of the electricity bill.