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I may not have the best parenting skills; but, in my defense, my kids don`t have the best childing skills, either.
Marriage is a workshop where husband works and wife shops.
What sort of drug abuse and debauchery has to occur in someone`s life for them to start liking Charmin Toilet Paper on Facebook?
You and I are just different. And by different I mean you`re stupid.
You know you`re single when the only calls you get at night are Nature`s.
I`m not lying, I`m just making the story better.
I am not cut out for the CIA. All the opposing side would have to do is tickle me and I’d spill all our nation’s secrets.
Your gene pool should be drained, the area bleached & the ground burned & salted. But other than that you seem like a great person.
You know you`re getting old when cops make you feel safe instead of nervous.
"Please don`t do this." - my voice mail greeting
No, I would not like to join your exclusive membership rewards club. I’m buying a sandwich.
Well after 6 months of my girlfriend nagging, I finally did it, I lost 120lbs ... I`m sure gonna miss her.
I`ve decided to start taking more supplements: calcium pills for my bones, ginkgo pills for my memory, milk thistle for my liver, ginkgo pills for my memory...
My boss told me "Dress for the job you want, not the job you have" Am now sat in a disciplinary meeting wearing my Batman costume
I`ll always be here for you ... Unless we run out of beer, and someone has some over there. Then I`ll be over there for you.