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I`m thinking of changing my voicemail to the following: "If you have reached this recording, please hang up and text me."
It`s amazing what you`ll wear in public when you`re not trying to have sex with anyone.
You call the shots. I`ll drink them.
That`s weird, all this time I thought the Birds and the Bees was a dance from the 50`s.
If you bend over and place your ear next to a girls vagina , you can clearly hear her say "WTF are you Doing!"
I am currently watching the Holy Grail of horror movies. There are 10 minutes left and the black guy is still alive.
Politicians and diapers should be changed regularly and for the same reason...
How many divorced guys does it take to change a lightbulb?...........Who cares, they NEVER get the house anyways.
You do realize everyone can see your status right?
I wonder if any Disney managers ever start a meeting off with "What kind of Mickey Mouse operation are we running around here?"
Woke up this morning and the alarm clock was laughing at me....then I realized it was upside down and the time was 7:07
If a camera adds 10 pounds then maybe stop eating them
Even this posting will offend some people, hopefully.
I like to gaze up at the stars at night and think about how somewhere there is intelligent life that hates doing laundry as much as I do.
If I had a time machine, I`d just keep going back every 8-9 hours so I could sleep more.