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There are no bad pictures; that’s just how your face looks sometimes.
I missed that one episode of The Walking Dead where they show us how the zombies keep everyone`s lawns so freshly mowed.
Gravity is a real downer.
I’m drinking while I work out…I call it Bacardio.
It takes a lot of balls to golf the way I do.
Keep calm and pretend today isn’t Monday.
It`s 2014 and somehow we still don`t have a car mirror that can make objects appear exactly as far away as they are.
I sent that "Ancestry " site some information on my family tree. They sent me back a packet of seeds and suggested that I just start over
8 more days and I will finally get rid of last years Halloween candy.
Two heads aren`t better than one if you`re both stupid.
Just once, I`d like to clock out from work by sliding down a dinosaur.
My Status updates are so great people hit the like button twice
If you`re sad/single/both on valentines day just remember you can buy 40 chicken nuggets at McDonald`s for $8.99
dreams of a better world... where chickens can cross the road without having their motives questioned
I`ll sell my broken watch when the time is right.