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There is nothing louder than a party across the street that you weren’t invited to.
Welcome to Alzheimer`s Club. I see a lot of new faces today.
I send more time looking for porn than actually watching it.
I`m a bad multitasker and even a questionable monotasker
Dear Maytag: Why don`t your dryers have a Fold cycle? It`s 2018 for chrissake!
I’m drinking because you’re talking.
I was looking all over for my ambition today......well, It wasn`t under this 12 pack, so I`ll look tomorrow.
I dunno who decided on the spelling of bologna, but it`s obvious he had no idea how letters work.
I was going to change my profile pic to a pumpkin for Halloween, but it didn`t look that much different from my actual head.
I like how Reese`s come with two peanut butter cups in the package. That way I can eat one now and then the other one right afterwards.
Going to the skate park to watch people fall.
I come from a long line of successful people. I have successfully stopped that tradition.
According to my childhood, 1 out of 3 pigs are excellent builders.
I sent off for some information on my family tree. They sent me back a packet of seeds and suggested it would be in my best interest that I just start over.
Wonders why there´s an ice cream truck for kids but not a frozen Margaurita truck for adults?