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You know you`ve won the argument when the other person responds with "Whatever..."
The adult version of Operation is trying not to break a tortilla chip while dipping it into a jar of salsa.
I hear my ex is now into orgies, or at least that`s what the Craigslist ad I just posted on her behalf said.
I swear I heard my dentist whisper "yolo" as he reached for a chisel...
Tonight’s forecast. Mostly drunk with a slight chance of passing out.
Behind every beautiful song is a person who really shouldn`t sing it out loud in public
I was watching craps at the casino all night until security finally dragged me out of the bathroom.
My safe word is "Make sure we don`t go over the hour. That`s all the cash I got on me."
I can bench 250 lbs. And by that, I mean, I can sit myself down on a bench in a local park.
The reason I talk to myself is because I’m the only one whose answers make any f*cking sense.
“I wish there was a more convenient way to stalk others”- The phrase that started Facebook.
One time I threw a boomerang and lost it.. So now I have to live in constant fear.. O_o
As you get closer and closer to the end of this status, I think it`s important that you lower your expectations.
It`s time to take the next big step in my relationship by popping the question to my girlfriend ....will you get me a beer :) (<>..<>)
I use sarcasm because flat out telling you you’re a moron is considered inappropriate and is frowned upon. And I was raised better than that.