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Anyone who says "Let`s all put our phones down and talk with each other," is just running out of battery and needs a charge.
I`m not upset because it`s Monday, I`m upset because I have to wear pants
Money can`t buy you happiness, but it does give you the ability to rent it until you die.
I was halfway to the state line before I realized the sirens were part of the song that was playing
I hope the next big trend in music is Talent.
My wife is amazing in bed. She can fall asleep immediately no matter how loud the TV is on.
You have got to have worse hand-eye coordination than a lama on crack
My fridge is just hospice for vegetables.
Remember this when you are drunk: You can`t fall off the floor.
One square left on the toilet roll and no extras in the cupboard. Well played, honey. Well played.
Yes I stalk you, but only as a friend.
I`m tired of things costing money
Things you need to know about me: 1- I`m lazy 2- hmm, one is enough
The best way to get over someone is probably with your car
ATM`s need to have breathalyzers.