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Me putting up with you is your Christmas present.
Dang girl,, Are you a Snickers bar? Because you`re so sweet and satisfying and surprisingly long lasting,, hold up,,,, are those nuts?
Sometimes I wish I could appear offline in real life too
I`m about as lost as lesbian on ChristianMingle.com
This lasagna recipe has been handed down in my family for generations in the hopes that someone would eventually make it.
The filling in this fortune cookies tastes like paper...
is spending my children´s inheritance.
Dear Equifax hackers, Please delete my student loan balance, my medical bills and change my credit score to 850. Thanks.
It`s amazing how important someone can make you feel with a smile, a kind word or the occasional stalking.
My resume is basically just a list of things I hate to do.
Anything can be considered your job if you hate it enough.
I didn’t scream out someone else’s name during sex. I was thinking of baby names in case you get pregnant…
I wonder who was the first person to see an egg come out of a chicken`s booty and think..."I`m gonna eat that!"
Sometimes I think "Screw this ... I`ll just be a stripper!"
Can you LIKE this status with your elbow? (no cheating)