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I`ll never have a kid as cool as the one my parents did…
i dont normally have a cool facebook status, but when i do, an older relative spoils it with a lame comment.
I carry a knife, but it’s just in case of cake.
I figured out the chemical composition of Holy Water. It`s H2OMG
why call it ordering pizza and not the pursuit of happiness
if the shoe fits wear it , if it too tight take it off
Ever have to poop and your abdominals start to relax just as you near the toilet, and then you notice that `Out of Order` sign or the empty toilet paper dispenser?
Don`t you just a hate it when you stumble into bed drunk only to be nagged by someone screaming "Get out" or "You live next door!"
Artificial intelligence is a wonderful thing. I told my computer that today is my birthday, and it said that I needed an upgrade.
I just lost another hour trying to figure out how to reset the clock in my car.
I think my smart phone is making fun of me behind my back.
Alcohol doesn`t get people drunk, people get people drunk. Drunk people get other drunk people extra drunk.
Do the right thing today: Go to someone`s profile, scroll down 4 months, and like something.
You washed your hands? Be honest. Your hands washed each other, and you just watched like a sick freak.
What do horses eat? Hay. What do gay horses eat? Haaaayyyy!