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I want the job where you push scared skydivers off the plane.
The difference between cars and whales is that whales can swim and cars can`t.
No, I didn`t accidentally pocket dial you, I wanted you to hear me eat lunch.
I guess at a job interview "firing you" is not an acceptable answer when asked where I see myself in a few years.
It’s getting harder and harder to find vodka-flavored vodka.
I want the job of placing pepperoni slices on frozen pizzas, because clearly whoever has it is now has problems.
If Mary Poppins floated in on an umbrella today, they`d shoot her out of the sky with a drone.
"How`s phone reception in the bathroom?" is an important question, but one you just can`t ask on a job interview.
To the guy who invented Zero: Thanks for nothing!
The last time I was someone`s type, I was donating blood.
Every morning I swallow a piece of paper that says "Keep up the good work fellas!!" just in case I die and the doctors have to do an autopsy on me
This movie has "adult content"? So, they`re gonna complain about back pains and setting up a 401k?
Happiness comes from within. That`s why it always feels so good to fart.
Ever notice how many friends you have when you pull out a pack of gum?
Conserve energy: How would you feel if someone turned you on and then left?