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A gun is like a coupon that works anywhere.
No one asks the tough questions, like why are drug dealers on the metric system?
I`m starting group meetings at my house for people who have OCD, not because I have it, but surely one of them will be bothered enough to clean it.
Don`t believe everything you think.
Shout out to bees, willing to kill themselves just to inconvenience a hater.
Lord, it`s me... Can you close your eyes for a couple minutes while I deal with a slight problem?
I think I have an urge to get up and clean the house. Wait...no, false alarm.
I`m so sick and tired of my friends who can`t handle their alcohol. The other night they dropped me three time while carrying me to the car.
The lady next to me in the elevator told me to press One. That was the last thing I remembered
Saying "think outside the box" is a pretty inside the box suggestion.
My weight loss goal is to not care about the crumbs at the bottom of a Pringles can.
Being an adult is 99% wondering how you hurt your back.
My mother is my travel agent for guilt trips.
Getting another set of teeth would be much more useful at age 60 than age 6.
I used to think I was good at multi-tasking. Turns out it’s just my multiple personalities doing one task at a time.