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My iPhone autocorrected "wish you were here" to "wish you were beer" ...I sent it anyways.
Sometimes I pretend to be normal. But it gets boring ... so I go back to being me. ;)
Crowded elevators smell different to midgets.
The WWF advert asks, “When the ice goes, where do the polar bears go?” ... Well, swimming, I suppose.
I met this girl in a club last night, I think she’s a body builder. She just so happened to build hers using chips.
Was late to my first Fight Club last night so missed the intro rules. Still, Fight Club was brilliant and I`d highly recommend Fight Club.
Men ask us if we`re naked when we tell them we`re taking a bath. THAT`S why they pay more for their car insurance.
Saw a bug crawling on my arm and my reaction can only be described as “grabbing for swirling dollars inside a plexiglas Cash Cube.”
Life is simple. Eat. Sleep. Update Facebook status.
I got food poisoning today. I don’t know when I’ll use it though.
Today I caught myself thinking of you and smiling... but it was because you had a booger in your nose the last time I saw you.
I took a nude photo of myself ... With the light off ... You`re welcome.
When asked how I take my coffee, I reply with, "Seriously. Very seriously."
Just witnessed kids playing tag. What is this world coming to? Do their parents know they are outside, interacting, and getting exercise?
Sometimes saying "F*ck it" is the best decision.