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It`s not so much blowing my diet as preventing the fudgesicles from developing freezer burn.
Save your little napkin, bartender. I don’t plan on having this drink long enough to set it down.
You know you`re up really late at night when you turn on ESPN and 2 white guys are boxing!
Today is Friday the 13th. Try not to be a teenage girl in her underwear at night at a deserted summer camp today.
I went to a vegan restaurant once. Wait, no, that was just a florist.
Hey Journey, I stopped believing. What now?
Boobs are to men what laser pointers are to cats
That microwavable meal was delicious and filling! - no one ever
I miss the old days when street gangs asserted their dominance through aggressive hair combing.
I didn’t give you the finger...you earned it.
Very little scares me. So does very big.
I want my children to have all the things I never had so then I can move in with them.
"it`s the thought that counts" doesn`t include showering. You have to actually do that.
Babies dont have parents, they have staff.
Based on my reaction to toast popping out of a toaster, I’d like to recommend you never throw me a surprise party.