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Ziploc`s idea of how big a sandwich should be is very different than mine.
Relationships are mostly you apologizing for saying something hilarious!
Ladies: We leave the toilet seat up because we don`t want to touch it any more than you do.
My greatest achievement today was writing this status.
I accidentally had two energy drinks today and now my house is decorated for Christmas.
I always pick up a huge cucumber up at walmart and yell to my wife "you said you wanted the biggest one right" Because I`m a great husband
If all the worlds a stage and the men and women merely players, how come Justin Bieber gets all the airtime?
Don`t sugar-coat it, I`ll just lick that off....
Two things you can always be certain about when it comes to women: 1) They`re always cold. 2) It’s somehow your fault.
If I could have a superpower, it would be the ability to watch people workout and then absorb their health benefits...
Life hack: If you keep your mouth shut, no one will know you`re so stupid
If I was gonna make a bomb, I`d use the same color wire for the whole thing.
My mom told me to follow my dreams. So I took a nap.
Within 2 minutes, I can gather enough things to allow me to sit and watch tv without getting up for at least 4 hours... Don`t question my laziness
What`s the hold up on making extremely heavy shoes for toddlers so they can`t run around so much?