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How easily you’re offended is directly proportional to how dumb you are.
I put on my pants like everyone else. Right after the security guard in Target says "Sir, we`re going to have to ask you to leave."
The guy who invented wet t-shirt contests probably has no idea that shirts can just be taken off.
If you receive an e-mail that says: ``FREE JUSTIN BIEBER CONCERT TICKETS`` Don`t open it! It may contain free Justin Bieber concert tickets.
Felt like being Bad today, like an Outlaw Bad, felt like doing something illegal, so I ran through the house ripping off all the Mattress Tags..... Come and get me Coppers, but you won`t take me alive.......................
I got my stomach by doing as many crunches as I can everyday. Usually either Nestle or Captain.
I keep graphic, full frontal nude pictures of myself on my cell phone in case anyone ever hacks it. That`ll teach `em.
Congratulations! You`ve won a lifetime supply of air: Not valid under water, in space, when dead, or while choking.
Why did they send me to this white room? Do they think I`m crazy? Do they think I`m ...HOLY CRAP THE WALLS ARE FLUFFY!!!
"Thank God!!! They are finally taking these damn rubber bands off." -The last thing a lobster thinks.
Always envied the kids who showed up to school with their 64 count Crayola crayons. If I wanted Burgundy or Salmon I had to ask in shame.
My blood test came back as B+ Any tips how I can get an A+ next time?
Okay I`m going to workout. Should I post about it now or after I`m done?
The problem with coffee is trying to make it when you haven`t had any yet.
I don`t know exactly who`s health I`m drinking to, but they`re going to be immortal at this rate