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When they say: "Wow, you`re really photogenic." What they mean: "Wow, this looks nothing like how ugly you actually are."
I watched Americas Got Talent for 15 minutes and I beg to differ.
As I said before, I never repeat myself.
Wives are just security guards hellbent on denying you access to your happiness, and porn collection.
Is it wrong to swallow my multi-vitamin with a beer?
I don’t know what my neighbor’s name is and we’ve been neighbors too long for me to ask.
If I share something clever and witty on Facebook, don’t try and out clever me with your comment. I don’t come over and blow out your candles on your cake.
There are only two types of honest people in this world.....small children and drunk people.
Life is tough. Put on your big girl panties and deal with it like the rest of us.
How come people who think they know everything never seem to know when to shut up?
Are you reading this from a toilet? I`m writing this from one.
I don’t necessarily believe in karma, but I’m gonna be extra careful crossing the street after this weekend.
Learning how to break wooden boards in karate is important in case you ever get in a fight with a house.
4 out of 5 voices in my head think the other voice is a douche...
Facebook is a lot like a fridge. When you`re bored you keep opening and closing it every couple of minutes to see if there`s anything good, but nothing ever changes :b