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And for my next magic trick, I`ll walk down a street and turn into a bar.
I saw a fat kid sitting on a seesaw all by himself. I stopped and waited for another kid to fall from the sky. I left disappointed.
During Sex you burn as much calories as running 5 miles ... Who the f*ck runs 5 miles in 30 seconds.
I hate waking up all hungover, eyebrow shaved, and a d!ck drawn on my face ... Especially since I was drinking alone last night.
A lot of you lose your sh!t and have some pretty epic, public meltdowns. I just wanted to say thanks.
I`ve been having really bad headaches lately. The doctor said they were all in my head.
I can walk up to any dog, rub its belly and make a friend ... That trick rarely works on people.
The most beautiful things in the world cannot be seen or even touched. At least, that`s what the restraining order says.
I’ve realized I get ridiculously nervous driving behind semi’s or trucks carrying sh!t that could fall out and impale me all because of final destination 2.
"There`s strength in numbers" I whisper to my 9th slice of pizza.
Buying a smart car seems like a good idea until you hit a squirrel and flip over a few times.
The toughest decision I will make today is bottle or draft.
Current relationship status: Leaving pizza and beer in the bushes, to lure in stalkers.
On the bottle of mouthwash it says "24 hour protection", so why do the directions say "Use Twice Daily"?
I party like a rockstar. A very poor rockstar who isn`t in a band.