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That mini heart attack you get when the parked car next to you moves and you think you’re moving.
I`m at the "what can I make with green beans and cake mix" stage of needing groceries
I`ll never understand why the guy that invented braille didn`t just put the dots in the shape of the actual letters.
If you are noticing this notice, you will have noticed this notice is not worth noticing
Thinking about moving to Alabama just so I don’t have to scroll through all those other states when I sign up for websites.
My friend told me that bigamy was having one wife to many. I thought that was called monogamy.
People are so weird. You reach under the bathroom stall to tie their shoes and they freak out instead of saying thanks.
There`s a sense of great satisfaction when I`m the tie breaker between `Funny` and `Not Funny` status updates.
I`m not always rude. Sometimes I`m sleeping.
I like to go on drunk facebook post binges, then claim the next day that someone hacked my account.
The closest I`ve ever come to eating better is eating butter.
Nothing good goes into a microwave at 2:00am.
I got caught peeing in the swimming pool today... The lifeguard shouted so loud I almost fell in.
No, no, no, you don`t have to engage in a long explanation of why you`re single. We`ve spent five minutes together, I think I`ve got it.
You have to stay in shape. My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was 60. She`s 97 today and we don`t know where the hell she is.