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Thought I saw a kangeroo today turned out to be a greyhound taking a dump !
Balloons think they’re so cool. I tried to tell one he was leaking and he just said, “Pfft.”
I am a very tolerant person until you think differently than me. Then I act like a spoiled little brat.
Starting tomorrow, whatever life throws at me, I`m ducking so it hits someone else!
Screw getting an alarm system. I`ve seen Home Alone, I know what to do.
Lol at birds that walk places.
I need a thingy to fix the thingy because the thingy came loose and the thingy is wiggly now. Do you sell those? -Me, at Home Depot
Capitalization can really change a sentence. Example: I love to eat candy ... I love to eat capitalization.
So the state trooper said "I`ve been following you with my lights flashing for three miles. Why didn`t you pull over?" and I said "Well, a few years ago my wife ran away with a state trooper and I was worried that you were trying to return her."
Target had a credit card breach? But only with in-store purchases, not online? More proof you`re better off staying home with no pants on.
Junk- something you keep for years and throw away three weeks before you need it.
omg I just found out I`m allergic to exercise...at first I get all flushed, then I break out in a sweat, my heart starts pounding really fast, then I cant breath........i wont be doing that again!
I don’t want to rule the world… Just everything within a hundred square mile radius.
The Swiss must’ve been pretty confident in their chances of victory if they included a corkscrew in their army knife.
Welcome to the obesessive-compulsive hotline... please press 1 repeatedly.