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I miss being able to use the excuse "I wasn`t home when you called."
Please don`t hastag out loud...
I always carry a lighter in case I end up at an impromptu concert...or need to set someone`s house on fire. Either way, I`m prepared.
There’s a bald spot in my yard so I’m gonna let the grass around it grow really long and then do a comb-over.
Do handjobs from girls who speak sign language count as blowjobs
On my bucket list: To be chased through a kitchen at a Chinese restaurant like in the movies.
Career goal: Being successful enough to add bacon to my burger without asking how much more it costs.
You can tell by a woman`s feet how she feels about you. If they are behind her ears, she likes you.
"The secret is that it`s all in the wrist!" -My grandfather talking about golf or handjobs or something
My favorite holiday spirit is poured over ice.
If the shoe fits . . . buy one in every color
If you don’t already hate people, the mall is a great place to start.
The probability of someone watching you is proportional to the stupidity of your action.
Leave the past behind. Smile every day. Never wear underwear. I don`t know. Inspirational post are hard.
I want to sleep tighter