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Every-time I run I hear Mario Brothers theme song in my head, and look for things to jump over.
You know you`re single when the only calls you get at night are Nature`s.
I took a poll recently, and 100% of strippers were angry they had nothing to dance on.
There comes a time in the day, when no matter what the question, the answer is booze.
When I see a guy sleeping on an unfolded cardboard box, I never know if he`s homeless or just tired from breakdancing.
This status is dedicated to whatever you’re ignoring in real life to read it.
"May the 4th" be with you!
I ate a shepherd`s pie for lunch. He was pretty upset about it.
I know alcohol isn`t the answer, but it`s my best guess.
Don`t hide your feelings. Hide the evidence.
It`s so cute how you can throw balls right at kids faces in the Chuck E Cheese ball pit and they think you`re just playing.
Man, the first five days after the weekend are always the hardest.
I have an eating disorder; I`m about to eat dis order of fries, dis order of wings, and dis order of nuggets.
Ugh... Seriously? If I get ONE more sexual advance on facebook, that will be.. like... a first.
Is there really a need for constipation medicines and stool softeners in a world where burritos and tacos exist?