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I don`t mind people sneezing in public. It`s that "Pre-sneeze face" they make that scares the hell out of me.
Unlike milk, it is perfectly ok to cry over spilled whiskey.
I don`t really want to make bad choices; but I`m always late, and all the good choices are already taken..
A drunk man walks into a bar...but enough about me...
Coaster? You`re assuming I plan to put my drink down...
If everything goes as planned, tonight I shall drink myself beautiful.
I wanna say something. I´m gonna put it out there. If u like it, u can take it, if you don´t, send it back. "I want to be on you"
I will never admit to my parents that I don’t believe in the Easter Bunny or Santa as long as I still get presents and candy.
A Slinky is a great way to teach young children that it`s fun to push things down the stairs.
I`d care more about your feelings if they came with a toy and chicken nuggets.
There`s nothing more terrifying than accidentally making eye contact with a mall kiosk worker.
Why don`t family members send me money for my birthday anymore? I need it now more than when I was 7
Sometimes, when I "like" your post, it`s because my touchscreen is too sensitive and I only meant to scroll by your ass. Sometimes. ;)
I bet the creator of the artificial heart is pretty pissed that we still use "sliced bread" as our basis for great inventions.
Occasionally, I like to take a look through my old status updates and smile at my sparkling wit.