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Sometimes my neighbors love my music so much that they invite the police to listen.
Sometimes I speak in a different font but no one ever notices.
If I hit snooze 3 times it should automatically send an email to my boss saying I’ll be out sick.
I wonder how long I can keep "eating for two" before people notice I`m not actually pregnant.
I’m eating for two – me and that skinny girl inside my body. She likes cake, too.
Sorry to all my friends and family members who didn`t know I was a freak until they saw my likes and shares on Facebook.
I`m not saying not to trust the Internet, but there is an alarming discrepancy between the number of iPads I`ve won and the number of iPads I own.
Some days, I think that Dexter dude has the right idea.
Thank God you`ve updated your status to "Finished lunch" after you first posted "Going to lunch" I really couldn`t tolerate more suspense.
Why is it when people ask you "what three things would you bring with you on a deserted island?" , no one ever replies, "A BOAT"
The "I got your nose" game is fun to play with kids, but try it on the pharmacist at Target & she`ll call security.
Whoever said you can`t "like" your own status is just not awesome enough to do it.
Just got a fortune cookie with no fortune in it ... Sounds about right for this Monday
I thought there was a spider on the rug, but it was just some yarn. It’s dead yarn now, though.
Your secrets are safe with me! Odds are, I wasn’t even listening.