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Balloons think they’re so cool. I tried to tell one he was leaking and he just said, “Pfft.”
Omg!! got 6 numbers on the Lotto.. and the stupid machine didn´t pick any of them
Is going to bed! Hopefully the Cleaning Fairies will come and clean my house tonight! Wishful Dreaming i guess!
I made a chicken salad today... The little bastard didn`t even eat it.
Due to inflation, a picture is now only worth 700 words.
2 can keep a secret if one of them is dead...
You question whether you are getting old when your barber asks if your eyebrows need trimming, and you know it when he does it without asking
Clearly, it is wrong to describe woman`s menopause as "the old Fallopian tubes finally rusting shut." My bad.
The woman in the Superman underwear next to me does not quite understand how white pants work.
You can make up any word you want in conversation and if you use it in a dilsationary way, people rarely question the meaning.
I can`t remember if I have any repressed memories.
That awkward moment when you imagine your own funeral...
Diet Tip #63 : Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories a hour.
I used to think paramedics were ghost doctors.
Thinks that some of you make impulsive, poor thought out decisions. We should totally hang out more!!!