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"Ramen." - Scooby Doo finishing a prayer.
If you`ve never played Tetris, you`re probably useless at loading a dishwasher
Nice try Jehovah’s Witnesses but dressing up like cops and telling me you have a warrant is not going to get me to open my door.
I watched my first Porn the other day. I looked so much younger back then!
I went to see a psychiatrist today. He told me I had a split personality and charged me $160. I gave him $80, and told him to get the rest from the other a$$hole!
I`m always extra nice to the weird kid, so one day he`ll spare my life when he finally snaps.
Never piss off a woman on her period...scratch that...Never piss off a woman, period.
Being the fat guy at McDonald`s is like being the muscle guy at the gym. People stay out of your way cause they know you mean business.
Shout out to the post office for delivering my recycling to me every day.
My girlfriend is now mad at me because I didn’t know why she was mad at me.
There`s no room in my life for B.S. ... Unless it`s burritos oand salsa
The self-driving car should have an "I`m Feeling Lucky" button that drives you to a random location.
mermaids swim by twerking do you ever just think about that
Crazy is like diarrhea. You can only hold it in for so long.
“I wonder how much weight I’ve lost.” -Me, after eating one healthy meal.