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I`m a spontaneous procrastinator
Designated drivers just drive me to drink.
I found $80 in my jeans. The kid in me says "Buy Nerf guns and candy", but the adult in me says "Buy vodka, Nerf guns and candy".
When life gets you down, just remember: It’s never too early or too late for a nap.
Caterpillars have the ideal life. They eat a lot and then sleep for a while and wake up beautiful.
2 out of 3 isn`t bad. Unless you come home from the park with 2 out 3 kids.
I have over 500 facebook friends, and i want to say that i love you all...except for number 376 ..you`re a real a@@hole!!
Finding friends with the same mental disorder as you ... Priceless
Sometimes I feel that I need someone special to complete me, but then I have a pizza and I`m like, "Nope. I`m good."
A good way to mess with a jogger is to run up alongside him and say, “It’s okay, I think we lost him.”
Plug your headphones into a banana. Everyone will leave you alone twice as much.
My iPhone has 2 million times the storage of the 1969 Apollo 11 spacecraft computer. They went to the moon. I text a lot.
The police are taking me downtown for an interview and I didn`t even apply for the job.
Facebook should have a limit on times you can update your relationship status, after 3 it should default to "unstable".
Sometimes I listen to strangers conversations and mentally give my opinion