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I like to go on job interviews wearing an eye patch and switch eyes when the interviewer looks down.
If I had a time machine, I’d probably just use it so I wouldn’t have to throw out so many bananas.
Everything happens for a reason. Sometimes that reason is that you`re a terrible person and had it coming.
Don`t ask me for advice, my answer is always get them drunk.
If you can´t say anything nice ... we´re probably related.
I was enjoying our conversation, but then I stopped talking and the whole thing got really boring.
Whenever a buddy of mine wants to borrow something, I remind them that everything I own has touched my balls.
I`d probably get a lot more done if it wasn`t for me.
My daughter asked me why I carry a gun inside the house. I told her I was scared of the CIA. She laughed. I laughed. Amazon Echo laughed.
Thumbnail pics. Helping ugly people look hot until you click on them since 1995.
Being in the doghouse isn`t so bad if there`s enough beer in the bowl.
I wish I had a job where I could punch stupid motherf*ckers in the face all day.
The best way to get a man to do something is to suggest he’s too old for it.
If cats could text you back, they wouldn`t.
Note to self: the wife does not want an `exercise pole`.