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America: Where stairs are only used for emergency escape purposes.
Don’t tell me what to do unless you’re naked.
Do you know what would really be fun? ... No really.. If you know, tell me.. I`m bored to death.
My RSVP : I`ll be attending your wedding alone but consuming enough cake and alcohol for at least two.
I miss newspapers. It`s weird hitting a dog on the nose with an iPad
I just read last year 4,153,237 people got married. I don’t want to start any trouble, but shouldn’t that be an even number? ...hmm
I`m not saying your opinion is stupid, I`m just saying you`re stupid for having it
My wife’s cooking brings a whole new meaning to.. eat sh!t and die.
I`m in my 30`s, but I still feel like I`m in my 20`s until I hang out with people in their 20`s and I`m like, "nope, I`m in my 30`s"
I can’t find the words to express how I have nothing to say
When butterflies fall in love, do they feel humans in their stomachs.
I just changed my WiFi password to "blowmefirst." I can`t wait for someone to ask me for it!
There`s nothing a floored gas pedal and cranked music can`t cure.
Pizza is like sex, when it is good it`s very good, When it`s bad...it`s still pretty good.
Surprise your wife today. Sell all her shoes and buy something nice for yourself.