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Violently swerving your car will not throw a spider off the window. Doesn`t work like it does with humans. Just in case you need to know.
I love being married. It`s so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.
I’m the kind of guy who dreams about naps while I’m asleep.
When you are dead, you do not know you are dead. It`s only painful and difficult for others. The same applies when you are stupid.
Silence is Golden, except when coming from children… Then you’d better go check to see what’s broken.
I miss being the age when I thought I would have my sh!t together by the age I am now.
Homeless people should make more creative signs like "I bet you can`t hit me with a quarter...b!tch!"
My doctor says each piece of bacon takes 9 minutes off your life... If my math is right, I should`ve died in 1781...
The proper way to use a stress ball is to throw it at the last person to piss you off.
Whenever I hear that customer service calls are going to be recorded I do one of my raps because I`m too poor to pay for studio time
Don`t cry because it`s over, smile because for a few miles they believed you were the real bus driver.
Is it just me or is waking up at 3am and trying to read a text message like looking directly into the sun?
My most heavily used kitchen appliance is a fire extinguisher.
I got rid of all the bad influence people in my life and now I`m bored.
I don`t go on Facebook much so Dave, if you`re seeing this, thanks for the invite to your 2007 New Year`s party, hope you had fun dude.