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I just gave my ex a big hug which can only mean one thing. That`s right I have the flu and I love sharing.
Can you imagine the reactions 25 years ago if you showed someone a photo album of pictures you took of yourself in the bathroom?
I always carry a picture of my wife and kids in my wallet. It reminds me of why there is no money in there.
Don`t be embarrassed by who you are. Unless you`re stupid. Then you`re pretty much screwed.
If the river were beer and I was a duck, I would swim to the bottom and never come up..
is cleverly disguised as a responsible adult.
Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me. Fool me three times, you have tits. Simple as that
None of my coworkers get why I have fishbowl with no fish. It`s because fish can`t survive in my secret reservoir of vodka.
I`m ready to regret having sex with you.
Which one of you is Moderation? I keep getting told we need to drink together.
Being clean and sober means i’ve showered and am heading to the liquor store.
My wife is great at multitasking. She can be mad at me for five different things at the same time.
Everyone loved Jack-in-the-box as kids. Now I`m older, I like mine in the bottle
is procastinating now. Don´t see why I should put it off.
The awkward moment when you type HO instead of HI.