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Next time you take your dog for a walk pretend he`s solving a mystery.
If everything tastes like us, why do we have to die? –Chickens
You know you`re getting old when you`re looking forward to some time off so you can have like three doctors appointments.
I`m at the age where an "all-nighter" just means I didn`t have to get up to pee.
My mission is to be the first person on Facbook to have one million people on their block list. . .
Pro tip for picking up girls – keep your back straight and lift with your knees.
If you are going to call the cops every time you spot me in your bushes I don`t think this relationship is going to work.
I can make your gf scream louder than you can. - Spider
I just lost another hour trying to figure out how to reset the clock in my car.
This recliner and I go way back.
Why aren’t mustaches called mouth brows?
I noticed tonight that I was the hottest cashier at the self checkout line.
My ex-wifes facebook status said "I`m depressed and on the edge"... So I poked her!
Remember before you give the finger from the safety of your car, not everyone has a schedule to keep.
maturity comes when you stop publishing every detail of your life on social media