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If you think you aren`t creative, buy a gym membership and see how many excuses you find not to use it.
I really need a long road trip, top down, in the Jeep...with a cooler....loud music....and an extra cooler in case the first one isn`t enough
Laugh now because when I die, I`m coming back to haunt you.
Apparently when a trainer asks you why you want to get in shape and you answer "revenge" it will raise a couple eyebrows.
They say when a man holds a woman’s hand before marriage, it is love, after marriage, it is self-defense.
My dog’s ratio of digging holes in my yard to finding buried treasure is not where I’d like it to be.
I am not cut out for the CIA. All the opposing side would have to do is tickle me and I’d spill all our nation’s secrets.
Takes a lot of balls to golf the way I do ...
If a kid asks where rain comes from, I think a cute thing to tell him is, "God is crying." And if he asks why God is crying, another cute thing to tell him is, "Probably because of something you did."
What if , one day you randomly wake up and realize that you`re whole life was just a dream.
Can I have your number or do you just want the 8 dollars for the drink?
Its awkward touching hands with another man in a popcorn bag, especially if you don`t know the man & he doesn`t know you`re eating his popcorn
I like people the most when I`m by myself.
Why is "Pissed" an expression of being upset? I`ve never been so mad that I pee`d myself.
It’s hard to explain puns to kleptomaniacs… because they always take things literally