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Whoever lost a bundle of $20 bills tied up in a rubber band..I found the rubber band..
Sometimes you run into people who change your life forever ... Bartenders, they are called bartenders.
Salad tastes pretty good once you add some pizza and get rid of the salad.
The only time I want to hear about your baby is when you tell me it ain`t mine.
When I`m home alone, every noise I hear is a serial killer
“What doesn’t kill you makes you smaller.” ~Mario
I applied for a government job today and accidentally sent the wrong resume. This early display of incompetence should work in my favor.
It’s hard to tell if I’m dealing really well with life these days or if I just don’t give a sh!t.
I’m the king of balancing more trash on top of an already full trash can.
Every day is a constant battle of trying to convince myself I don’t like cookies.
You know when I was younger I was under the impression that quick sand was going to be a serious issue in life...
Its so cold out, I actually saw a gangsta with his pants UP!
Kinda funny how the Mayans said we were all gonna die in 2012, but they all disappeared way before us.
Hell is having a married couple tell you a story at the same time.
I`m tired of making the same mistakes over and over again. Does anyone have any new mistakes I can borrow?