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The first order of business for the 115th Congress: blaming everything on the 114th Congress.
When people tell me "you`re going to regret that in the morning" I sleep in until noon because I`m a problem solver
On a math test: 2+2 = ? Me: *Use calculator just in case
That weird feeling when you wake up from a nap & you don`t whether it`s am or pm or what day, month, or year it is.
I`ll be a morning person when it`s Christmas.
Someone asked me today if ive ever been with two women at the same time. But why would I want to disappoint two women at the same time?
OH I´m sorry! I didn´t realise you were giving me a dirty look. I just thought you were ugly like that all the time!
Fun: text a friend "Are you alone right now?" They go "Yes." Then u text back LOL
The best way to make a bad day better is by adding alcohol.
Let`s share...you take the grenade and I`ll take the pin.
B!tch life isn`t a garden ... So stop being a hoe!
Somewhere in a parallel universe, I hope there’s a giant dog with a tiny woman in its purse.
I`ll give up my thesaurus when you pry it from my frigid, frosty, frozen, cadaverous, lifeless, stiff, defunct extremities.
Taxes are like a subscription to your country that you can`t cancel, no matter how bad the service gets.
Went by the bank today and the female teller was flirting with me which was weird considering she saw my account balance.