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I live in fear that one day the real "World`s Greatest Dad" is going to show up to reclaim his rightful mug.
There’s a thin line between “I should do a status update about that” and “I should talk to a therapist about that”
I’m not a biologist but I’m pretty sure the difference between a moth and a butterfly is that a moth is really ugly.
The worst thing about renting movie from a Red Box is that a $1 late fee isn’t enough motivation to get off the couch.
I hate when new parents ask who the baby looks like. It was born 15 minutes ago, it looks like a potato.
I need a leaf blower, but for people.
Don’t be too flattered. If I’ve come up a fun nickname for you, chances are it’s because I’ve forgotten your real name. Sorry, Cowboy.
What do you mean my bathrobe is inappropriate? Isn`t it casual Friday?!
It’s amazing how everyone cries for free speech until someone says something that they don’t like.
What if dogs bring the ball back because they think you enjoy throwing it?
The most frightening thing about nightmares is realizing that they were created by your mind.
You know I feel the frustration that The Skipper endured because there are days that I too am surrounded by Gilligans
This spider just got away from me because I made the classic villain mistake of telling him my whole evil plan before killing him.
Tips for Guys on Valentine`s Day: Tell your girl you already got something and make her guess. She`ll automatically list things she wants.
Remember....... Its not drinking alone if you`re on Facebook ;)