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President Obama says his daughters need minimum wage jobs to "learn what it means to work." May I suggest the same for members of Congress?
If she asks what the weight limit is on your ceiling fan.... She`s a keeper!
I wish more of my handcuff stories involved sex instead of police officers.
If I was supposed to share them, they wouldn`t be called nachos.
My wife and I use the pull-out method of birth control where we pull out our phones and ignore each other every night.
If there`s one thing in this world that everyone can agree on it`s... "Goonies never say die!"
Nobody notices your pain, your happiness, your sadness, your state of mind. But everyone notices it when you fart in public
Never mistake my silence for weakness. No one plans a murder out loud.
I sure do feel a lot more attractive at Walmart than I do at the gym.
If it wasn`t for pizza delivery, you wouldn`t see me shoveling a walkway.
This ramen noodle and vienna sausage dinner taste exactly like I made the wrong career choice :(
I hate when a website has a picture that you can click and enlarge. Then the "enlarged picture" is the same exact size as the thumbnail!
Step aside coffee… this is a job for booze.
The only time that my wife screams my name in bed is when I fart in my sleep.
Years ago I asked out the girl of my dreams. Today I asked her to marry me ... She said no both times