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Multi-tasking: the art of screwing up everything all at once.
FYI fellas: if you wake up with some chick and you can`t remember her name, take her to Starbucks. They`ll write her name on the cup for ya!!!
If I told you I was a pathological liar, would you believe me?
I need coffee in my life more than I need most people.
Actions speak louder than words when you smack someone in the back of the head with a shovel
My internet goes out more than I do.
I’m so broke this New Years Im gonna party like its $19.99.
I can`t wait for Taylor Swift to break up with a black guy, so she can write a rap album!
A guy at work calls me "Partner" and another guy calls me "Chief". Apparently we`re playing Cowboys and Indians and I`m a double agent.
You trust me holding your child? Do you know how many iPhone screens I’ve cracked?
Mondays feel like biting into a chocolate chip cookie only to find out it`s oatmeal raisin.
Everyone`s self worth should only be measured by how useful they would be in the zombie apocalypse.
Really offended that these microwave instructions told me to turn my burrito over gently like I don`t treat every burrito with the utmost respect
I assume that a Columbus Day sale means I can just walk into a store and take whatever I want.
I recently added squats to my workouts by moving the beer into the bottom shelf of the fridge.