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Why do TV shows say "May contain nudity"? It either does or doesn`t. Don`t make me watch the entire thing and find out the hard way it doesn`t....
Facebook should win an Emmy for Best Daytime Dramas.
A married man has 2 options in an argument...he can be right or he can be happy
I swear... my remote just decides to take random vacations sometimes.
I got passed by a Prius on the Interstate and now I’m legally required to pee sitting down.
Save the US Postal Service. Have the Jehovah Witness and Mormons deliver the mail.
I feel sorry for people who don`t have dogs. I hear they have to pick up food they drop on the floor.
I don’t just sing in the shower... I perform.
If you`re not afraid when someone is flipping through the photos on your phone then you`re probably boring.
Unless life also gives you sugar and water, your lemonade`s gonna suck!
GOOGLE must be a woman because it knows everything.
Champagne says I`m classy. Vodka says I can do anything I want. My therapist says I have to stop talking to my drinks.
I don’t drink to forget, I… what was I saying?
Any wife can be a trophy wife if you bring her to a Taxidermist.
I keep my land line so I can find my cell phone.