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If I won the award for laziness, I would send somebody to pick it up for me.
A handshake means something completely different to a cannibal.
People who get offended on the internet are the same people that take mini golf seriously.
This Coffee has given me unrealistic expectations of productivity.
Law and Order is just Blue`s Clues for adults.
Hey people who say I am boring and not interesting; FYI the police just called saying they want to talk to me because I am "a person of interest"
I`m just a guy standing in front of a huge pile of laundry wondering how flammable it is.
Why do they have “limited edition” scented candles? Are there crazy people collecting these things?
WTF, I feel like I pay these bills every month.
Don`t apologize because you haven`t posted in a while. No one cared.
At a wedding reception I recently attended someone said, "All the married men please stand next to the person who has made your life worth living." The bartender was nearly crushed to death.
First thing I do in the morning: Look at the clock and hope I have more time to sleep.
No, no, no, you don`t have to engage in a long explanation of why you`re single. We`ve spent five minutes together, I think I`ve got it.
I believe in equality. If we have a 5 day week of work, we should have 5 day weekends as well dammit.
The best part of an argument is the make up sex...unless you`re fighting with your brother.