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If there`s one thing that I`ve learned it`s, that I should have learned way more than one thing.
The best neighbors are the ones you never see.
Puttin the `eff it` in efficient today.
"Iām not drunk!ā is an argument only very drunk people think they can win
How do they fit all that money inside such a tiny credit card??
These people keep looking at me like I`m the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
Manager: So, do you have any questions about the job? Me: Yeah, can I have it?
Only a few years ago, the average parents had four children. Nowadays, the average child has four parents.
When I`m home alone and I walk into the basement, I start talking out loud about all the karate I know.
As I rise from my slumber the children scream in horror, as they did not know I was in the McDonald`s Playland ball pit
The first guy who made fire by rubbing two sticks together probably did a lot of other weird sh!t.
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
dreams of a better world... where chickens can cross the road without having their motives questioned
Iām trying to read a book about how to relax, but I keep falling asleep
Fact: You wish Facebook had the middle finger button.