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When I was younger, it was wine, women & song. Now I am older, it`s beer, the old lady & TV!
The grass may be greener on the other side but at least you dont have to mow it.
Some of these Giraffe profile pictures are a vast improvement.
I found out that middle age is were you finally get your head together and then your body starts falling apart
So Monday and Tuesday sucked. But, with the right mix of caffeine, alcohol and mushrooms, Wednesday doesn´t even have to happen at all.
Don`t forget to turn your clocks back today if you want them to be set to the wrong time.
I thought I was wrong once, but I was mistaken.
That`s a lot of selfies for someone that claims to be emotionally stable
Its amazing how many people respond to "Hey Dumba$$!"
After the doctor left the exam room from my prostate exam. The nurse came in with three words I didn`t want to hear. "Who was that?"
The best job ever? Sleeping Beauty at Disney World. You just lay down all day. If anyone bothers you, it’s like excuse me, I’m working here.
Christmas is truly a magical time. It`s made all my money disappear!
I smiled and waved at my neighbour so I bet the first thing she`ll do today is buy bedroom curtains.
Life is basically just a constant effort to not be disgusting.
Why do we call it the Sun instead of a space heater?