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Whoever invented marriage was creepy as hell. Like, hey you, I love you so much, I`m gonna get the government involved so you can`t leave.
It`s called instant messaging for a reason. ..if I wanted to wait a week for a reply, I`d of sent a bloody letter
If you want your wife or girlfriend to listen and pay undivided attention to every word you say, talk in your sleep.
One time I asked some girl what she was thinking. By the time she finished her thought we had 2 children.
Just...sitting...thinking...planning my next move to get that new roll of toilet paper about 5 feet away from me.
Saw a Mime doing his gig. I reached into my purse and pretended to throw money in his hat.
Woke up this morning and the alarm clock was laughing at me....then I realized it was upside down and the time was 7:07
The rare times my cat approaches me for affection, I run away and hide under the bed so she knows what that feels like.
Did I ever tell you about my old girlfriend? The one with the "Lazy Eye"? I had to break up with her, she was seeing somebody on the side..........................
Statistics show the number one cause of failed relationships is opening your mouth and letting words come out.
Whenever someone says they did something, "like a boss", I assume that means they didn’t do it at all and are merely taking credit for it.
For men who think.."A women`s place is in the kitchen," Just remember, that`s where the Knives are kept!
wife: It`s ruining date night me: It`s ruining date night because you`re letting it ruin date night hitchhiker: Just drop me off on the corner
why don`t we get discounts for ringing up our own groceries in self checkout?
“I don’t watch TV” proudly says a person who spends 8 hours a day on the internet.