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I’m crazy but not “LeBron is better than Jordan” crazy.
If it weren`t for WebMD I would have never known what symptoms to mimic so I could get all these prescriptions from my doctor.
Every loaf of bread is a tragic story of grains that could`ve become beer, but didn`t
Sometimes I stand in the shower for 10 minutes before I remember what I`m supposed to be doing. So, yes your secrets are safe with me.
I`m hosting a wine tasting event in my home. Well, it`s not really an event. It`s just me and three bottles of wine. No one else is invited.
I would eat a lot more healthy food if it required no preparation or stayed fresh as long as junk food.
Break the ice in a crowded elevator by asking how much everyone weighs.
Flip flops are fun because every time you take a step it`s like a high-five for your feet.
The secret of enjoying a good wine: 1) Open the bottle to allow it breathe. 2) If it does not look like it`s breathing, give it mouth-to-mouth.
The most powerful I ever feel is waving pedestrians to walk in front of my car. “Go forth, and trust that I will not kill you.”
Why is it called a menstrual calendar and not a flow chart?
The best part of an argument is the make up sex...unless you`re fighting with your brother.
I am a gentleman, based on the clubs I go to.
Good news everyone – my proctologist called and all the tests were negative. Bad news - his ring is missing...
if you don`t have anything nice to say, come sit by me, and we can make fun of people together.