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If you have a problem with me please write it nicely on a piece of paper, put it in an envelope, fold it and shove it up your a$$
Republicans are red, Democrats are blue. The government is shut down cause neither one gives a damn about you.
The Internet makes things so convenient. Before it existed, if you wanted to order a DVD online, you had to invent the Internet.
I’m not saying don’t trust the internet but there’s an alarming discrepancy between the number of ipads I’ve won & the number of ipads I own.
Facebook needs a "slap a b!tch button"
Have you ever noticed that the & symbol looks like a guy dragging his butt across the floor?
Millions of innocent coconuts are murdered each year so you can drink their nutritious blood you insensitive health freak
"Wow! That Lean Cuisine really filled me up!" ... said no one, ever.
Right now a FedEx driver is dropkicking your Christmas gift onto someone’s front porch.
Do I regret it? Yes. Would I do it again? Hell Yes.
There`s a Bullying Support Group meeting, tomorrow night at 8 ... You`d better f*cking be there.
I know what I`m getting for Christmas ... Fat. I`m getting fat.
I don`t care how loud I`m laughing, I`m having fun and you`re not.
The "Beware of Cat" sign posted outside my house doesn`t seem to be having the desired affect.
My boss hates it when I shorten his name to D!ck, Especially since his name is Steve.