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Fun Fact: A pizza will never sleep with your best friend behind your back.
"That`s crazy" is the perfect response when you haven`t been listening.
I hate to admit it, but I’ve got a serious drinking problem. I don’t have any more money to buy liquor.
Home is where the pants aren`t.
The responsibility of taking out the trash should be left to the person who runs out of ways to fit more trash in the bag.
I wish there was more BitStrips and photos of giraffes on my Facebook
They say that when one door closes, another one opens. Apparently, "they" have never been to jail.
Sorry about last night texts. My phone was drunk.
Never squat with your spurs on
You don`t appreciate a lot of stuff in school until you get older. Little things, like being spanked every day by a middle aged woman. Stuff you pay good money for in later life.
Merry Christmas week! The time when it’s totally fine to put Peppermint Schnapps in your coffee every morning!
I don`t think we appreciate this era enough. For instance, none of us will see old photos of our moms whoring it up on Instagram.
Greeting all the Single People a very Happy Independence Day!!
If the Sahara Desert had a motto it would be "Long time, no sea."
Being fabulous all day makes me really, really tired