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The self-checkout line was a miracle for the condom industry.
I`m starting to think mosquitoes just land on our faces not to suck blood but to see how stupid we look when we slap ourselves.
Since smart watches can now read your pulse, there should be a feature that erases your browser history if your heart stops beating...
If you drink enough tonight, you won`t have to lie when you call in sick tomorrow.
I`m sorry I hurt your feelings. When I called you stupid, I really thought you already knew.
Here walk a mile in my shoes. They`re giving me huge blisters.
This morning, I was beaten up by a busty woman in an elevator. I was staring at her boobs when she said, “Would you please press 1?” So I did. I don’t remember much afterwards.
Calling all men...Eboli can live up to two months in semen..YES! You better wash your socks.
I automatically classify anything over $5 as expensive.
Celebrities on drugs, politicians having affairs, aliens living mail boxes....I love standing in the check out line, its better than the library....and it has food.
Buying an airline ticket is like paying shipping and handling for yourself.
Girl: I have changed my mind. Boy: Thank God! Does the new one work?
When I`m cleaning my room, 1% cleaning 29% moaning 70% playing with stuff I just found.
It`s okay I`ll text myself back.
I only party on 2 occasions. 1. When it’s my birthday 2. When it’s not…