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Women can walk around all day long in a bikini, but God forbid if you see them in their bras and panties. I will never comprehend this.
How to find the perfect husband: Play monopoly with him. if he chooses the iron, he`s the one
Got my friend a Starbucks gift card. 2 weeks later I get a call. They said hey Dean, u put any money on this Starbucks gift card. I said no it´s a gift card. That´s the beauty of it u can put as much money on it as u want.
I suffer from paranoia and procrastination. Everyone is out to get me, just not right now.
I try to live by two rules: 1. Don’t make fun of stupid people (they cant help it) 2. Don’t be stupid (people will make fun of you)
After four centuries, the semicolon has finally achieved it`s true calling: helping people wink online.
If you need me I`ll always be stuck behind the person who doesn`t know how to use the CVS self-checkout aisle.
Why is it the less money someone makes the better they are at reproducing?
"I knew that..." -Me, after every Jeopardy question.
It`s never good when Human Resources sends you an email and the subject line is "Your Facebook Activity".
If goldfish crackers actually tasted like goldfish-- wait, I just realized I`ve never tasted a goldfish. What if the crackers are accurate?
Thanks, autocorrect. I`m sure she`s dying to know about my huge peninsula.
Some questions just answer themselves. Like, sit-ups or pizza?
A good friend will bail you out of jail. A great friend will be handcuffed next to you saying that was fun
Tonight I’m trying to get to that happy place right between don’t know my own name and head in the toilet.