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Ok but how old is your child in minutes?
Dear children, when you look under your bed, what exactly are you planning to do when you find me? Sincerely, The Monster.
Seeing a spider isn`t a problem. It becomes a problem when the spider disappears.
Things I use duct tape for, by percentage: Pranks: 35% Car repair: 35% Wrapping presents: 20% Medical emergencies: 10% Ducts: 0%
Just joined the support group Hokey Pokey Anonymous ... A place to turn yourself around. ;)
Fellas.....the girl on the flyer is never at the club
Send a man to the store to get 5 items, he will come home with 4. Send a woman to the store to get 5 items she will come home with 54. Its science.
The closest I`ve ever come to eating better is eating butter.
No matter what you do on the computer you always end up on Facebook, Twitter, Instagram or Youtube.
I never said "you were stupid" I said "you are stupid", there`s nothing past tense about it!
If someone asks for advice, just tell em to follow their heart. No idea what that sh!t means but at least they`re not talking to you anymore
I was standing in front of the mirror earlier, admiring my six pack for hours. But it got really warm so I put it back in the fridge.
Bad news, guys. Throwing a cat through a wall doesn`t make a funny, cat-shaped hole. jk
I can keep a secret… It’s all the other people I tell it to who can’t.
The term "chubby chasers" is so inaccurate and misleading. Cause we don`t run.