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DUI attorneys should buy some ad space on those Taco Bell hot sauce packets.
They should have cell phone chargers in waiting rooms instead of magazines.
I`m starting to think that the Facebook status update I liked has had absolutely no influence on Government policy at all.
After 20 yrs of marriage, my best move is to clean something unexpectedly.
Who`s up for some curling in my driveway?
FYI: Push-up bras don`t actually help you do more push-ups :(
There is no better sunscreen than sitting inside a bar.
My New Years resolution is always don’t die. So far so good.
Last night I meant to tell my kids "Good night, I love you", but it came out as "Thank god you go back to school on Thursday because this is bulls**t."
It`s all sh*ts and giggles till somebody giggles and sh*ts
I don’t appreciate the 5 minute radio ads about how commercial-free the station is.
Uses for the plastic ruler..... 5% to draw stright lines 95 % to hit people.
The Roomba vacuum cleaner just beat me to a piece of popcorn I dropped on the floor & this is how the war against the machines begins.
Go home Polar Vortex....yer drunk.
When I`m bored, I send a text to a random number saying, " I hid the body, now what?"