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I hate when all the silverware is dirty and I`m down to using the giant decorative fork that hangs on the wall.
When choosing a ring tone, always ask yourself, "How embarrassed will I be when this rings in public?"
If cats had wings, they would still just lay there.
According to cannibals it only takes one vegetarian to make vegetarian chili.
Life is not fair. But life is not fair for everyone, which actually makes it fair.
When I was your age, we drank water straight out of the sink.
If your cup is only half full, you probably need a smaller bra.
That moment when you think you know somebody then they pull out an entirely new bag of stupid.
I’m great at multitasking. I can waste time, be unproductive, and procrastinate all at once.
Life is fun! You should get one.
I bet attractive people think the world is a lot more polite than it really is.
I am bored. Anyone need anything avenged?
I hate when you tell someone you’re bored, and they suggest getting together. Then you have to explain that you’re not quite that bored.
The only man worth waiting for is the delivery guy
If I had a dollar for every time I thought about you, I would start thinking about you.