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The majority of life`s greatest lessons are learned while observing your drunk friends.
Ladys have it easy, if they ever do start to loose an argument they can just start playing with their boobs
The Home Alone house is up for sale for 2.4 mil. I’d pay 2.5 (if I had it) just so I could say, “Keep the change you filthy animal.”
Do you know who invented the Knock Knock joke? I don`t know either, but whoever did should get a no bell prize.
Don`t ask me how my night was coz I don`t know. I was asleep.
A lot of talk from the peasants lately about my arrogance.
Well, I`m really not sure what my spirt animal is but I`m sure it looks like road kill right about now.
My version of flirting is looking at someone attractive multiple times while hoping they are more brave than I am.
The first thing I do when I get a telemarketer call is say "Let`s go off script. What are you wearing?"
Researchers claim that the Internet is making us dumber and more impatient. I don`t get it. Moving on.
Cop cars should play the jaws theme song
If I had to describe myself in one word, it would be "bad at following directions."
I didn’t say “what?” because I can’t hear you. I was giving you a chance to change what you said.
Sometimes I just bang my head on the keyboard and hope words form.
One thing the porn industry has taught me is that this summer I defiantly need to get a job as a poolboy.