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You say stalker. I say unpaid private investigator.
“I’ll be speaking with my lawyer” is the adult version of saying “I`m telling mom”
Can someone else be a sex symbol today? ... My good T-shirt is still in the wash...
I`ve been told that I can be condescending... that means that I tend to talk down to people.
I`ve never said "in all seriousness" and actually meant it.
Good to know that if they ever release a lion in Walmart you only have to run faster than the fat lady with the zebra print pants on.
You don’t realize how many people you hate until you have to name a baby or a dog...
Men think they have it bad, but they`re not the ones having to hold their boobs when they run.
A lot of attractive people are like nice cars with the check engine light on.
You got your chocolate in my peanut butter!
I got kicked out of the audience of "Cats" on Broadway for bringing a laser pointer.
Relationship Status: Very relieved socks can`t get pregnant.
Forgotten pocket money is the best!
Oh... the look on the Home Depot associate`s face when I asked him if the pruning shears will cut through bone... priceless.
Ever wish the choice you made and the “right thing to do” were the same thing?