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A sure fire way to lose an afternoon, is to help a friend out when he says "come on it will only take a half hour to fix"
If you need help moving I am one hundred percent there for you emotionally.
I´m pretty sure I had a good time last night. Let me finish reading the police report and I´ll let you know.
Apparently slim chance and fat chance have the same meaning.
Maybe Voldemort`s face is flat because he ran into the wrong wall at the train station.
If I was supposed to share them, they wouldn`t be called nachos.
The problem with the world is that the intelligent people are full of doubts while the stupid ones are full of confidence.
As you get older three things happen. The first is your memory goes, and I can´t remember the other two.
I`ve been catfishing my best friend for the last 3 weeks. He`s gunna pay me that $50 he owes me or I`m showing these emails to his wife.
Saw a bug crawling on my arm and my reaction can only be described as “grabbing for swirling dollars inside a plexiglas Cash Cube.”
I feel like doing something productive today. If I sit here long enough, maybe it will go away.
Hell hath no fury like a woman who just said "seriously?" after a comment you made during an argument.
The number of red lights you will hit while driving are directly proportional to how bad you have to pee.
I had this awesome dream last night where Facebook went down and most of you went on a killing spree.
There is nothing worse then trying to watch porn with a slow internet connection.