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*licks finger, holds it up in the air* ah yes, just as I suspected. wind.
My internet was down for almost 4 mins, I’m ok but the 911 operator was a total b!tch about it!
Life is basically trying to meet better people than the ones you currently know.
Did you ever notice that the doctor’s bill is always a lot more readable than the doctor’s prescription?
You`d think the nerds on The Big Bang could fix that stupid elevator.
"Hey! Aren`t you that guy from the village people?" - Me, to every cop who pulls me over
I went to McDonalds, put 5 dollars on the counter and said "Surprise me". Because I never get what I ask for anyway!
I don`t care about your choice in politics, religion, or taste in music... I judge you simply based on football team preference
Screaming out "BOOM PREGNANT!" during sex is never as funny as you think it will be.
People ask me why I don`t have any tattoos and I respond with, would you put a bumper sticker on a Ferrari?
Just saw the first duckface of Spring.
90% of being a dad is yelling about doors being left open while the air conditioning is running.
Facebook posts with 12 hashtags, who the f*ck are you trying to reach?
Hmmmmm,,,, Turns out all this time, I’ve been using a life couch instead of a life coach.
No matter how many gross facts you tell me about McDonald’s I’m still gonna eat it.