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I like the part of the day where we eat the food.
30 years later and my Cabbage Patch Kid still has no clue that he`s adopted.
Let`s talk about how fabulous u think I am.
Men look at boobs for the same reason women look at puppies in cages. We just want to set them free and play with them.
I swear my cat was an alarm clock in a previous life...
Just saw that my wife was googling ballroom dancing lessons and now I`m hoping that she`s having an affair.
My Chinese waiter put my food down in front of another white guy who looked nothing like me. I get it now.............Wait, That`s not my waiter!
The best things in life require no pants.
Per Wikipedia, there are two kinds of scorpions. One can sting and kill you like a spider, the other can sing and rock you like a hurricane
There is literally no way of knowing how many chameleons are in your house.
Went to my friends house with my girlfriend today. As we walked in I noticed her phone automatically connected to his wifi. That f*cking slut.
Plot twist: name your pets after passwords.
Damn, it`s like these people have never seen anyone bring a flask to the gym before.
Whenever I start feeling spontaneous, my bank account quietly reminds me to calm the f*ck down. -Bfanch
Square box. Round pizza. Triangle slices. I`m Confused.