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Teamwork is just another way of saying we will soon be sharing in the blame equally.
Married 24 years now. All I recall about my wedding day is something about death.
Is it really necessary for the first square of toilet paper to be glued down?
Rum balls, rum cake, rum spiked eggnog, rum in fruitcakes...you know, anymore, there`s more of the Captain than of Christ in Christmas...
FACT: Every zoo is a petting zoo, if you’re brave enough.
I`m bored, I think I`ll ask my boyfriend if I look fat. - women
Time travel means never having to say you`re sorry...
Neil Armstrong lands on the moon: 5 pictures. Girl goes to Bathroom: 47 pictures.
My 17yo pretends he doesn`t understand how the washer works when I ask him to do the laundry Congrats, you`re finally a man
I’m writing this from the hospital. Don’t worry! The doctors say I’m going to be OK but I must warn you. The Dyson Ball Cleaner has a very misleading name!
Check this one out.........1
It would be so cool to be able to see an album of all the pictures you’ve accidentally photobombed in public.
Being married is like having the freedom to do whatever your wife tells you.
Mix it up a little. Text a random phone number the following msg: "The fat one won`t fit into the woodchipper. What do you want me to do?"
Me: "Sorry I`m late. Car trouble." Him: "What kind of car trouble?" Me: "It doesn`t go 200 miles an hour to compensate for my late start."