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If it weren’t for law enforcement and physics, I would be unstoppable.
Always have a goal. Example: Turn as much alcohol into urine as you can.
LOOK A UFO! Quick, grab the worst camera money can buy.
Me: Mom…Dad. I’ve decided to live on my own from now on. Parents: Ok, cool. Me: Your luggage is outside.
Sometimes I wish that I could put my wife on airplane mode.
New word of the day: Stupidiot!!
If you watch the Twilight movies backwards, Kristen Stewart still can`t act.
Tip to get out of jury duty: Begin every answer with "According to the prophecy."
My job description does not include farting on everyone else`s office chairs but I still do it because INITIATIVE.
I haven`t lost all of my marbles but there is definitely a hole in the bag.
I`m not funny, I`m just really mean and people think I`m joking.
Applebees is a word that starts off pretty tame but takes a dangerous twist
Every so often, I like to go to the window, look up, and smile for a satellite picture.
Arguing with people in the comments section is like crack for me. I don`t do it.
This book on marriage says treat your wife like you treated her on the first date, so after dinner tonight I am dropping her off at her parents` house