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To be truthful from deep down ... I don`t believe that paper beats rock.
Why don’t television shows say, “You will be delighted to know that this program contains strong sexual content?”
If I ran NASA, it would be mandatory for the ground crew to be dressed as apes when the space shuttle lands.
It`s never too late to follow your dreams. Unless your dream is to be a child actor, in which case yes, it`s too late.
I relate to Game of Thrones because much like my own life, I have no idea what’s going on and there’s a lot of wine drinking.
There are no problems which cannot be solved through suitable applications of high explosives.
I don`t know who you are, but if you don`t stop sending me phone books, I will find you.....and I will smack you with it
That moment when I try and be helpful to a blind man getting off the bus by saying, "watch your step"
The Three Up`s in life: 1. Show 2. Keep 3. Shut
"Hello 911?" "Someone just stole my status on Facebook... yes, I`ll hold."
By the time I’ve said “Nice to meet you” I’ve already forgotten your name.
"Are you completely sure this isn`t textable?" - the perfect voicemail prompt
Sidenote #2: Always have your middle finger ready on standby.
Things that don`t kill bees: 1. Furniture polish 2. Febreeze 3. Butter 4. Screaming
I can`t turn water into wine, but I can turn vodka into dinner