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Drunk me loves creating awkward encounters for sober me.
People who live in glass houses should not throw orgies
Whenever I hear the phrase `anything is possible`, I giggle and think about someone trying to slam a revolving door :)
It`s just a matter of time before they add the word "Syndrome" after my last name...
If the river were beer and I was a duck, I would swim to the bottom and never come up..
How long does it take possums to realize when one of them is actually dead?
Let me just flip this here omelette.... aaaaaand I`m having scrambled eegs
Instead of presidential debates, we should just have a dance-off.
Wanna try something funny? Go to a bank and yell "NOBODY MOVE..(Scary pause)..I lost a contact lens."
I`m starting to think that Dr. Dre isn`t a real doctor after all...
Offering a hobo $5 from across the street is my version of Frogger.
Just once, I would like to wake up, turn on the news, and hear... "Monday has been canceled, go back to sleep."
I felt really mischievous earlier so I bought a McDonalds and ate it at a KFC
Dear Social Media, thanks for showing me that I can like people. So long as I don`t have to see, touch, or smell them.