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Halloween Drinking Game: Drink every-time an Elsa (from Frozen) visits your house.
Ever work out and think "wow I really needed that"? That`s how I feel about the chocolate chip cookie I just ate.
I am not the same person at 8am and 8pm.
Sometimes my kid likes me, but I`m pretty sure it`s only because I`m his Oreo dealer.
I forgive and forget, because I have a good heart, and a terrible memory.
I just met the most interesting man at the laundromat And then I realized that he can`t even afford a washer or a dryer
I’m great at multitasking. I can waste time, be unproductive, and procrastinate all at once.
If you are alone and feeling lonely, fart. Someone always walks in after you fart.
Just found out my birthday is the same day I was born... Life is crazy...
Don’t expect a “bless you” after the 4th sneeze…get your self together
Love your enemies; after all, you made them!
If we can put a satellite in orbit around a comet 4 billion miles away, perhaps someday we can put a working wireless printer in my office.
You sure do seem to know a lot about love and relationships for someone who spends 22 hours a day on Facebook.
There is no better sunscreen than sitting in a bar.
Redneck`s famous last words: "Is that enough duck tape?"