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I made a bucket list for when I kick the bucket. Number one: Wear shoes! Ever tried kicking a metal bucket without shoes? Hurt like hell.
Just worked out, I will spend on average 7 years of my life in the bathroom. My wife will spend on average 6.9 years of her life knocking on the door saying " are you all right in there "
Hey dude who flipped me off in the Subway parking lot for honking at you, you left your dinner on top of your car.
Look up from your phone… There’s some life going on around you.
I hate to choose sides, but if forced, I`ll aggressively side with the person paying my bar tab.
Stop complaining about being single!!, we have bigger problems here. Like why McDonalds don`t serve breakfast after 10:30 -.-
Clearly, it is wrong to describe woman`s menopause as "the old Fallopian tubes finally rusting shut." My bad.
I might not be smarter than a 5th grader, but I can buy beer.
One day I`ll look up from my phone and realize my kids put me in a nursing home.
Me: GUESS WHO BOUGHT A MEGAPHONE!? Neighbor: Get out of my house! Me: You`re not even guessing.
Husband for sale: 1972 model, white in colour, a bit hard on gas but comes with a spare tire.
Why do people always feel safe under blankets...its not like a murderer will break in and be like "I`M GONNA KILL YAA__AAHHHhhhh dang he is under a blanket.
Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression, Acceptance... The five stages of waking up.
Apparently, my wife has friend zoned me...
Our kids biggest challenge will be to find a username that`s not already taken.