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I smile when I`m having dirty thoughts :)
Sometimes you run into people who change your life forever ... Bartenders, they are called bartenders.
Tip: When you’re not famous, people don’t let you pay for things with an autographed napkin.
Turns out Xenophobia is not `A fear of Warrior Princesses`
Your eyes are so beautiful. If you look deep enough i can see my own reflection...
Dear parents of college students on Spring Break, Congrats! Many of you are about to be grandparents!
It doesn`t matter if the shoe fits or not, I`m still shoving it up your a$$.
When people I don’t know ask me what I do for a living I shout “Karma,” and punch them before running away.
You`d think he`d be better at this with all the porn he watches
It would serve me better if they put shopping carts in the middle of the store where my pride realizes I have too much shit to carry.
I need a better plan of action when my phone rings than throwing it.
My sister borrowed my favorite shirt without asking again, so I changed her Facebook profile picture to a positive Clearblue pregnancy test.
Somewhere in the world right now, somebody is buying a house based on its potential for great bathroom selfies.
I`m having an out of money experience.
STD`s aren`t like pokémon, your not suppose to catch`em all!