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After dinner I like to sit in the garden in my underwear and smoke a cigarette.....but apparently that`s not done at this hotel....
When a woman says, "I`m NOT crazy" *clapping her palms together per syllable* That`s universal for, "You`re going to die."
Saying “do I smell popcorn ” right after you fart, so everyone takes in a deep breath.
Pokémon means a totally different thing if your stuck in a Jamaican prison.
You can go a long way with a smile. You can go a lot farther with a smile and a gun.
If A-B-C-D didn’t drag out their part of the Alphabet song, LMNOP wouldn’t have to be so rushed.
Coffee`s a great way to fool yourself into believing you`re going to have a productive day.
I’m just SOOO busy. I spend 70% of my day telling people how busy I am and the other 30% trying to make myself look REALLY REALLY busy.
your status deserves a standing ovation but I`m lazy I`ll just click `like`
"Don`t try this at home"...Okay, i`ll try it at my friend`s house..
I wish that some of my coworkers were not allowed in the break room because those are the people I need a break from.
My last boyfriend used to smile and say "I love you" to me every morning as he left for work. At least I think that`s what he was saying. It can be tricky to lip read through binoculars.
I live in fear of finding hidden cameras in my house & not being able to explain why I do all those random karate kicks directed at no one.
If everyone would just be naughty next year, Santa would bring us all coal ... energy crisis solved!
The voices in my head are not real, but they have good ideas.