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I don`t think I could love any person as much as I love BACON... Mmmmm Bacon...
You, my friend, deserve a high-five... that’s four more fingers than I normally give.
My cat probably thinks I`m cleaning my ice cream...
I`ll bet other dogs must think that poodles belong to some weird religious cult.
Thank God I still have 20 days to achieve my goal of "going to the gym in 2013."
Some day I wanna be "change my oil every 3000 miles" rich!
When I was six, my dad threw me into the pool thinking I would instantly learn to swim. I probably would if it had water in it.
I hate it when Hippos fall on me when walking home from school... :D
When your wife`s in labour, never sneak a look at the business end; it`s like watching your favourite pub burn down.
Everyone has a purpose in life ... Perhaps mine is finding things to bitch about.
What am I taking to the Family Thanksgiving feast? Tupperware.
"Shit ton" is my favorite unit of measurement.
The Super Bowl is over, everyone. Time to briefly learn the names of some Winter Olympians.
Wonders why we can`t just all get a Long....Island Iced Tea?!?
The police want to interview me. Strange, I didn`t even apply for a job.