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There is nothing louder than a party across the street that you weren’t invited to.
I have a disease called AWESOME...You don`t understand it since you don`t have it.
Whenever I see people doing sign language, I assume they are discussing the best way to murder the rest of us and steal our ears.
I lent my girlfriend ten grand to get plastic surgery, and now she left me and I don’t know what she looks like.
The 3 fastest means of communication: Telephone, Television, Tell-a-woman.
Our phone falls, we panic... our friends fall, we laugh.
If alcohol kills millions of brain cells, how come it never killed the ones that made me want to drink?
Wanna come over for pizza and sex? I`m just kidding ... there`s no pizza.
Cool thing about winter is after grocery shopping your car can double as your refrigerator.
I found my first grey pubic hair today. Normally things like this don`t bother me, but it was in my Big Mac.
How about a T.V. show that just explains the backstory on all of the “For External Use Only” warning labels.
My wife treats me like a God…She takes very little notice of my existence until she wants something.
COCKADOODLEDOOOOOO!!!!
I liked Hoarders much better when it was called Sanford & Son.
Someone smells like cigarettes and bad decisions.......Oh it`s me? Sorry about that.