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I have a new rule: No one is allowed to talk to me for a minimum of 24 hours after I wake up.
If your dog weighs less than 10lbs, it`s technically a cat
Sometimes I stand in the shower for 10 minutes before I remember what I`m supposed to be doing. So, yes your secrets are safe with me.
I may or may not have just tried unlocking the wrong car for 15 minutes.
Plan B includes margaritas.
If ignorance is bliss. You must be the happiest person on this planet.
Neat, your girlfriend is made out of the same stuff as your air guitar!
It would serve me better if they put shopping carts in the middle of the store where my pride realizes I have too much stuff to carry.
I`m easily influenced... That`s why I try not to watch too much porn
I only seem to remember I want to lose weight after eating 6 cookies.
I don`t take steroids because I never want to look like I`m capable of helping my friends move.
Is it even possible to calmly walk away from a dark basement?
Sex Ed should require them to listen to a crying baby for 5 hours, and to watch the same episode of a cartoon over and over again.
Underachieving Sunday through Wednesday, overachieving Thursday through Saturday.
I`m one of the nicest a$$holes you could ever hope to meet.