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I suspect the ancient Greeks would be horrified that we refer to `laying on a couch all weekend watching a TV series` as a "marathon"
I got on-line to check the weather...That was 12 years ago.
Relationship status: I get the remote to myself!
I bet there are muppets that have thought about shanking Elmo
Is it wrong to tell a knock knock joke to a homeless person ?
These kids next door to me need to quit yelling. I`m about to wake up their mom and send her back over there.
You can tell a man`s age by how close their socks are to their knees.
What if , one day you randomly wake up and realize that you`re whole life was just a dream.
Where have you been all my life? Can you go back there?
I need a "previously on your life" recap for the things I didn`t pay attention to.
auto-correct has got to be my worst enema.
My business card is just a picture of me looking inside the fridge.
I finally had the talk with my kids. I told them that in the wild animals eat their young so they better get their sh!t together.
People in sleeping bags are the soft tacos of the bear world.
Do you want to hear a joke about constipation and dementia? ...Well, tough sh!t, I forgot it.