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I do all my own stunts, but never intentionally.
This lady thinks repeatedly pushing the already-lit elevator button will summon it faster. I think I’ll push ALL the buttons when we get in.
I`m as nutty as a squirell fart
I wasn`t planning on going for a run today, but those cops came out of nowhere.
I want to give up coffee, but I`d hate to do that to my coworkers.
Don`t sweat the small stuff. Don`t sweat the medium or large stuff either. Stop perspiring on everything. Take your sweaty a$$ elsewhere.
Doing word problems as a kid has helped me in adulthood. "Dan doesn`t have enough money for his bills, how long before he is homeless?"
I have my own version of Whole Foods, where I eat the Whole Pizza, Whole Box of Donuts, Whole Bag of Chips...
My Viagra addiction was the hardest time of my life.
Nothing makes you feel more insignificant than still having 85% battery at noon.
The sound of children laughing makes me happy. Unless I`m home alone and my power goes out.
If a woman is talking to me about her problems, I better be the cause of them.
Him: What to play Trivial Pursuit? Her: Sure, But I,m not that smart. Him: What to play strip Trivial Pursuit?
I may not be the only egomaniac around here, but I’m the only one that matters.
Ice skating is just walking in cursive.