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Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in 5 years? Me: Probably still mirrors.
OK. Who decided to call it "possession of marijuana" and not "joint custody"?
Bought some cheese at one of those fancy cheese shops today. It was legend dairy...
Apparently when my math teacher asked `what comes after 69` "I DO" was not the correct answer.
A recent survey of one person revealed that 100% of me thinks that I should leave work early.
The future is much like the present, only longer.
I wish my personality allowed me to write deep and meaningful statuses sometimes, oh well. Titties!
I wish I were an octopus so that the answer to all of my problems would be, `change color and escape in a cloud of ink`
How did Mexico keep enough people from crossing the border to field a full soccer team?
You know you`re getting old when bending over is a one-way trip.
It`s been scientifically proven that originally there were only five fruit cakes ever made!
If anyone is looking for an unlicensed helicopter pilot give me a call. . .
Me blacking out when I`m drunk is God`s way of telling me that what I do when I drink is none of my business.
The only time I`ve ever used sex to get what I want is when I want sex.
According to maxipad commercials, all women are full of blue windshield washer fluid...