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If it’s called tourist season, why can’t you shoot at them?
Now that my kids are getting older, I`m worried I`ll never have the opportunity to leave my wife for the nanny.
Car horns were invented 1% for safety and 99% because people get pissed off sometimes and need to let a mofo know.
Last night we were in bed and I asked my wife "What would you like to do to my body more than anything else?" She said "Identify it."
When googling something, I always use Caps Lock so that the people from Google know it`s urgent.
If my psychiatrist said "There`s really nothing more I can do for you", that means I`m cured right??
A psychologist is selling a video that teaches you how to test your dog’s IQ. Here’s how it works: If you spend $12.99 for the video, your dog is smarter than you.
Mary had a little lamb,,the midwife fainted
Can anyone tell me how to become a illegal immigrant, their benefits are undeniably more superior to our own.
Oh, a spider just landed on my desk... In other news,,, When startled, I can jump 5 feet in the air with just the power of my ass cheeks.
"Hello 911?" "Someone just stole my status on Facebook... yes, I`ll hold."
Just assume that we aren’t close enough for you to send me a game invites on Facebook.
What idiot named them jet skis instead of boatercycles
I hate when I`m about to hug someone really sexy, and my face hits the mirror.
A sure cure for sea-sickness is to sit under a tree.