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Save your little napkin, bartender. I don’t plan on having this drink long enough to set it down.
Got kicked out of the local casino again. Apparently, gold chocolate coins mess up their slot machines or something.
I don’t know if I have a stalker, but if I do, could you drop off some milk. Thanks.
You know you`re old when you think "pokemon" is a gay rastafarian
I`m not the type of person you should put on speaker phone
From what I can gather, men hit their sexual peak around age 18. And women hit theirs as soon as the divorce is final.
I`ve just released my own fragrance...No one on the bus seems to like it though.
So when is this `old enough to know better` suppose to kick in ?
When a cashier asks if you have a loyalty card just sigh and say, "My wife took everything when she left"
“I demand a recount.” – Me, in a nugget dispute at McDonald’s.
That prince in Sleeping Beauty doesn`t get enough credit for kissing someone who hadn`t brushed her teeth in forever.
Thinks that some of you make impulsive, poor thought out decisions. We should totally hang out more!!!
Defies physics: I eat half a pound of food, `purge` 1 pound of it, and then gain five pounds because of it-- WTF?
My whole life is based on a true story...
I bet there are muppets that have thought about shanking Elmo.