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Funniest thing ever heard on TV. "Ward, you were a little hard on the Beaver last night"
By 5, the human child can walk and feed itself, but doesn`t yet stray from home, as it relies on parents for tablet charging and maintenance
People who don`t know what they want should not use the drive thru!
The only technique I`ve mastered from watching cooking shows is screaming and swearing at everyone in the kitchen.
Hurricane preparedness tip: 1. Buy several kegs of beer 2. Drink beer 3. Wait for flooding 4. Drop kegs in water 5. Float to safety....
Just so we’re on the same page, I’m on 43.
Well that`s a wrap on another day where I act like I know what I`m doing.
Sorry just got your text. Do you still need to go to the hospital?
If I`m in your house and you have bookshelves... Be prepared to see me turning statues and bending down books while looking for your lair.
Can everyone come to my funeral in FBI outfits, stand at the back & not say a word to my parents so they think I lived a cool double life.
Was the little pig who built his house out of straw some sort of idiot?
Women need a reason to have sex. Men just need a place to have sex.
Most problems can be solved with nudity.
Ladies and Gentleman, I`ve traveled a long way, crossed many bridges, fought my way through countless obstacles, all to bring you this one sad truth about life. There`s never enough beer.
Long story short, I love summaries