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Everything happens for a reason. Sometimes that reason is that you`re a terrible person and had it coming.
When I die, I want people to say, "That guy owed me a lot of money"
We will always have that special 5 minutes before I started creeping you out.
Running feels great unless you compare it to not running
If your phone doesn´t ring it´s me.
I hate it when you`re buying stuff off the Internet and the bank calls to check to see if your card has been stolen. Sure, it seems nice, but then you have to explain to lady on the phone that no, it was not stolen, you really are the one who bought a subscription to bustyblondes.com
If a Jehovah`s Witness dies and goes to heaven...does God hide behind the pearly gates and pretend he`s not in?
Have you ever make fun of someone so much, you think you should thank them for all the good times you´ve had?
If cockroaches can survive atomic bombs and chemical warfare, what the f*ck is in a can of Raid?
Don’t run with scissors — unless you’re stealing scissors, of course. If so, run. Run like the wind scissor thief!
Paused Willy Wonka and The Chocolate Factory to go buy a Snickers. This is why I can`t watch Breaking Bad.
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Marriage is supposed to be permanent. It`s like a tattoo that yells at you.
Never argue with someone who knows fancier words than you. Like `responsibility`
What did I get for Christmas? Fat...