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5 years ago I asked the girl of my dreams out on a date, today I asked her to marry me ... She said no both times
If Harry Potter is so magical then why can’t he fix his eye sight?
Nobody’s phone is ever off. They’re lying.
I used to care ... but I take a pill for that now.
Folding laundry with a toddler is like trying to straighten a desk full of papers while a fan blows on it.
Me asking if you want anything from Starbucks is my way of telling you I am going to be very, very late
I broke my finger today. But on the other hand I`m fine.
The last time I saw something as ugly as your face I pinned a tail on it.
The key to a woman`s heart is making her laugh...just make sure she`s not laughing at the size of your junk.
This fly in my car is going to be very disappointed when it ends up at Walmart.
I don’t use Siri because I have to deal with enough women who have no personality and know everything.
It’s not you. It’s my ears. They just make you sound so boring and dull.
Cookies and porn are always better when they`re homemade!
Don’t let anybody push you around ... unless you’re in a wagon, cuz that is just plain fun.
If ghosts existed, why are they all apparently from the last 100 years or so? Wouldn’t there be evidence of a Neanderthal ghost here and there?