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Since there’s only one of me, does that make me an endangered species?
*accidentally answers phone call* ... *pretends to be answering machine*
Who let the owls out?? Don`t sing the chorus you`ll make it worse.
Whenever our neighbor`s dog is barking, I know there`s either someone at their door or literally anything else in the universe has happened.
I accidentally had two energy drinks today and now my house is decorated for Christmas.
Getting stuff out of my refrigerator is like playing Jenga.
I was going to do stand up comedy years ago but then I thought ...Ugghhh, standing...
Not clicking like on this status makes your a$$ look fat.
I wish my life had background music so I could figure out what the hell is going on.
If the shoe fits, shove it further up their a$$
Why hasn`t anyone written a sequal song to "Jessie`s Girl" ... Where he discovers what an incredible high maintenance drag she is?
I think I can survive on Mars since they found water for my coffee.
They`ll find Bigfoot before they find a Smoothie store that`s been open for more than 2 years.
"I`ve had so much coffee, I got halfway to work and realized I forgot my car."
I just need someone to feed me and tell me I’m pretty.