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"Just be yourself" doesn`t work if you suck.
Why do TV shows say "May contain nudity"? It either does or doesn`t. Don`t make me watch the entire thing and find out the hard way it doesn`t....
Married 24 years now. All I recall about my wedding day is something about death.
I`m at the age where I need at least 3 weeks advance notice before doing anything spontaneous
I hate it when teachers say, “You think it’s funny?” Obviously it is, if it wasn’t I wouldn’t be laughing
when i have children im going to make them watch 2012 and tell them i survived all of that.
Scream “Chrome is better than Firefox” around a group of geeks if you wanna see them argue for 2 hours.
If I could have anything in the world it would be to have the same finger prints as my enemy
Why is it that when you work very hard, you say you are working like a dog? Every dog I`ve ever known is lazy and sleeps 16 hours a day.
Why is it called mooning when you`re actually showing uranus?
Dear Life, Please, use a Lubricant.
If you put Root Beer in a square glass do you get Beer?
Sometimes, entire relationships can be chalked up to, "that weird thing I did for a while."
I`m Dave, or as the ladies like to call me... "Hey, you! Behind the bushes!"
I’m having a free beer contest tonight. The 1st person to bring me a case of beer gets to watch me drink it. FOR FREE!