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My driver`s side window stopped working,,,, So yeah,, I`m probably gonna starve to death..
Always crush and snort your first pill on the pharmacy counter to make sure they`re not passing you some fake sh!t.
It`s tough being a people person when you can`t stand most people.
I took a poll recently, and 100% of strippers were angry they had nothing to dance on.
I`m pretty sure by now “lazy” is just part of my personality description.
Honestly, my biggest fear about becoming a zombie in the apocalypse is all the walking.
Repeat after me: It doesn’t matter how big the problem is, posting it on Facebook won’t solve it.
Don’t judge someone because they sin differently than you.
Broke up with my girlfriend. She was into the horoscope stuff and we weren`t compatible. I`m a libra and shes a...b!tch
no one is perfect thats why pencil have eraser
Facebook becomes 100 times more entertaining when you have work to do.
My roommate complained that I never lifted a finger to help around the house. So I lifted a finger. Apparently, it was the wrong one.
Played hide and seek today. I was winning until the cops let the K9 off of the leash.
I wouldn`t mind all the penis enlargement emails if they weren`t coming from my wife.
Dear human, you get mad when i wake you up and also get mad when i dont. Sincerely confused, Alarm Clock.