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Life can be like Chess sometimes. I don`t know how to play Chess.
I appreciate your help, but no thanks, I can f*ck up my life on my own.
No one knows what women really want, but everyone agrees it still won`t be enough.
I’m sick of closing out every job interview with “I was young. I needed the money.”
Calm down! I`m not officially late until I actually get there.
I have no interest in skydiving. I get enough of an adrenaline rush hoping my credit card goes through
The scientific theory I like best is that the rings of Saturn are composed entirely of lost airline luggage.
If your significant other is mad at you, put a cape on them and say "Now you`re super mad!" If they laugh marry them.
It`s not their fault, per se, but at some point, Crayola has to be held responsible for continuing to make crayons nostril-width.
Self-Checkout lanes were invented by a guy who was sent out to buy tampons.
This morning, I was beaten up by a busty woman in an elevator. I was staring at her boobs when she said, “Would you please press 1?” So I did. I don’t remember much afterwards.
The only idea worse than New Coke was brown toilet paper...
"Well, now I see how you came up with the word `Microsoft`." -Melinda Gates (on their wedding night)
I’m going back to sleep. I refuse to give up on my dreams that easily.
So, All my exes live in Texas; Exactly, how does one go about scheduling a tornado ?