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79% of accidents happen in the home....... Finally, good news for the homeless
I don’t mean to alarm you but you know those people in your office that can’t work the fax machine? They’re driving home on the same roads.
Sometimes I get so mad at myself for being too lazy that I don`t even do anything about it.
I`m an optimist. To me, the glass is always half alcohol.
If I don`t remember what I did, don`t ruin it for me by reminding me.
Momma didn`t raise no fool. I did this all on my own.
props to the parent at the mall that walked up afterward to ask santa what his kid wanted lol
If a Police Officer says, Anything you say will be taken down & used as evidence... Your answer should always be, Please don`t hit me again officer...
In a new study women with large a$$es live longer………the men who tell them live distinctively shorter lives.
Pro tip for picking up girls - keep your back straight and lift with your knees.
My favorite holiday spirit is poured over ice.
It’s not drinking alone if the dogs are home, right?
What idiot named them jet skis instead of boatercycles
If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest have to drown too?