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I saved someone`s life today. Well, I resisted the urge to strangle the life out of some idiot. That`s the same thing, right?
Oh, I thought you were talking about napping. In that case no, I`m not good in bed.
My reaction to winning a billion dollars wouldn`t even come close to my 10 year old`s reaction when I told him that there`s no school today.
So when is this `old enough to know better` suppose to kick in ?
I like to walk around the house naked. Until the cops chase me back inside.
Beauty is only a light switch away...
Why do people have to get ready for bed? Iām always ready for bed
Was up all night wondering, why do people compliment me for having all my sh!t together & yet still insult me for being full of it?
The one thing you can always count on is your fingers.
You know one thing i really like about you is that you dont like anything about me.
I`d divorce my wife but I never want to see her that happy!
*sigh* the cop at the front door is never a stripper when you need it to be
Sleep is like a time machine to breakfast.
It kinda makes sense that the target audience for fidget spinners lost interest in them so quickly
I sneak alcohol into work because I`m a problem solver.