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I`m really good at acting like I`m sorry the elevator door is closing and you missed it.
All the noises I used to make during sex, I now make getting up in my truck.
For daylight savings, we should move the clocks forward an hour on Monday at 9 AM so that we lose an hour of work instead of sleep.
My taste in music ranges from, "You need to listen to this" to "I know, please don`t judge me."
Pizza will never tell you to apologize to your mother in law
Jehovah`s witnesses tell the worst knock, knock jokes
If I had to describe myself in one word it would be “doesn’t know how to follow directions.”
Why aren`t they called A$$teroids instead of hemorrhoids???
I just fell down the stairs holding a guitar and accidentally wrote a One Direction song.
You`ll notice you never see sweatpants with "Classy" written across the butt.
What’s the difference between partly cloudy and partly sunny?
Spent 40 minutes on the treadmill this morning. Next time I might turn it on.
Turns out indoor stone throwing is a mistake no matter what your house is made of.
I once dated a Rockette with Tourette`s. Talk about kicking and screaming!
This bottle of beer is not only delicious,,,, It also contains almost 10% of my daily requirement of beer...