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I’m single by choice. Not my choice, but still a choice!
I`m trying to be healthy and grow my own food but I can`t find any Twinkie seeds. :/
i spend 800% off my life exaggerating
I tried yoga once, but we called it Twister
Last night I meant to tell my kids "Good night, I love you", but it came out as "Thank god you go back to school on Thursday because this is bulls**t."
“Don’t make me regret this.” -things I think when accepting a friend request.
I saw a group of kids trying to put another kid into a dumpster. I had to step in, they couldn`t even lift him.
The best way to change a woman`s mind is to agree with her.
Just heard some guy yell "F**K!" ... I thought this was impressive because not many people can pronounce asterisks.
If Monday was a movie, it would be very long and boring.
A third zebra strolls casually while whistling and pretending to read a newspaper onto Noah`s ark.
I would never survive a real job because I dont like being told when I can eat lunch...
When you`re a kid, dick jokes are considered adult content, but when you`re an adult, they`re considered immature.
I`m ok with women faking it in bed. I faked everything to get her there.
I Don`t Care If you Don`t Like Me .. Iam Not A Facebook Status :D