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The reason Rump Roast is called Rump Roast is because nobody would eat it if it was called Cow A$$
Before I die, I`m putting fake treasure maps behind all my picture frames.
I donate blood 5 times a year just so I`m less and less related to some of my relatives.
iOS 8 let`s you passcode lock specific apps? It`s fun imagining how many break ups that will cause.
Tonight’s forecast. Mostly drunk with a slight chance of passing out.
3 bottles of bleach: $15.00. One rope, 3 rolls of duct tape, and a shovel: $35.00. 3 boxes of trash bags: $10.00. The look on the cashier`s face: Priceless!
Don`t play stupid with me! I`m better at it.
If you`ve never needed to move to a new city and assume a new identity, then we probably haven`t dated.
It`s weird how after they couldn`t put Humpty Dumpty back together the King`s men were like "Let`s give the horses a shot at it"
My wife is complaining that I never buy her jewelry. In my defense, I didn`t even know she sold jewelry.
The best way to a woman`s heart is by saying three words - You lost weight.
Trying to achieve the perfect erection. How hard could it be?
Drunk me absolutely loves creating awkward encounters for sober me.
Ohio - High in the middle, and round at the ends.
Billion dollar idea: Meth with Flouride