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Always have faith and believe in yourself…well because..the rest of us think you’re an idiot!
How many divorced guys does it take to change a lightbulb?...........Who cares, they NEVER get the house anyways.
"You`re better than that" is almost never true
I do not like being told what to do unless I`m naked.
Every time you have McDonald’s as a kid, it’s a victory. Every time you have it as an adult, it’s a defeat.
As a man, I honor Christopher Columbus every day of the year by refusing to ask for directions.
If you had to choose between your girlfriend or GTA 5 which character would you play as first?
I love arguing with you so much, I`ll bring a Ouija board to your funeral.
Moving all my retirement funds into a Colorado snack machine franchise.
If you laid out all of the people in the world who were ever mean to me, I could then drive my car over them.
Me, on phone to credit card company: What if you just break my kneecaps and we call it even?
I’m planning on ringing the new year in with a kiss ... whether my dog likes it or not.
How many times do I have to say "excuse me" before "get the f*ck out of my way" becomes acceptable?
Fun Prank: Put $1000 in an envelope and mail it to me.
I went for a run tonight. Sure, it was a beer run but, I was still sweating by the end.