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Honesty is the best policy, but insanity makes for a better legal defense.
I just researched the medicinal name for Viagra..... MYCOXAPHAYLYN
Sometimes I wrestle with my inner demons. Other times, we just hug.
Another day where I`m not skinny, rich or famous. Getting real tired of this sh*t.
My 83 year old neighbor got pulled over for speeding. She told the cop she had to hurry before she forgot where she was going.
Behind every crazy woman is a man that made her that way.
I find it most unfair that the dentist in this neighborhood hands out toothbrushes for Halloween but the pharmacist doesn`t hand out drugs.
I accidentally called 911, so I set my house on fire so I wouldn`t look stupid.
Black Friday, because after a day of thankfully stuffing your face, you deserve a deal on purchases you don’t need.
Why even ask how my weekend was if you’re just going to interrupt me halfway through to say “Yeah, I saw your Facebook post.”
One square left on the toilet roll and no extras in the cupboard. Well played, honey. Well played.
I just lost another hour trying to figure out how to reset the clock in my car.
If your friends tell you not to give in to peer pressure and you don`t: technically, you did
I have tonight off so if anyone’s free let’s go somewhere and look at our phones together.
3 bottles of bleach: $15.00. One rope, 3 rolls of duct tape, and a shovel: $35.00. 3 boxes of trash bags: $10.00. The look on the cashier`s face: Priceless!:D