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Lying in bed, listening to the Doors. I really should oil the hinges...
My sex tape would just be called Home Alone.
Now that I`m on Facebook, I can finally put that English degree I obtained to some use…
Gift cards: The best way to say "Here, you figure it out..."
My wife is pissed at me again...appearently I am breathing wrong.
I have a life outside of internet, it involves charging my phone.
They might as well put "Uhhh..." in front of every item on drive-thru menus.
How long have I been working here? ... Ever since they threatened to fire me.
A communist joke isn`t funny unless everyone gets it.
I`m off to get my beauty sleep. Yeah, I know...I`m already so beautiful you can`t stand it! I promise...a little more isn`t lethal...yet! ;) Goodnight!
I add "Drink Beer" to my weekend to-do list so I know I`ll at least get one thing done.
The key to eating healthy is to avoid any food that has a TV commercial.
Everyone`s self worth should only be measured by how useful they would be in the zombie apocalypse.
Her profile said she was a stone cold freak. Turns out she was just a wrestling fan with bad capitalization skills. :(
You´re just jealous because the voices are talking to me and not you!