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wants to remind you this Halloween, that as a general rule, don`t solve riddles that open portals to Hell.
Still not 100% clear on whether French Montana is a person or a steakhouse special.
Try sliding down a water slide without running water to realize how important foreplay is
Never throw sunglasses in an argument. If they land perfectly on your opponent`s face there is no known comeback.
They have all those non-smoking laws in public places so let’s now all focus on passing some perfume/cologne usage limits.
If anyone has ever told you that you snore, just know that person has very carefully weighed the pros and cons of letting you live.
Who invented the brush they put next to the toilet? That thing hurts!
I found a spider in my shoes. He looks ridiculous, they`re way too big for him.
Often think if I`d taken a different path in life, I could be lying on a slightly more comfortable sofa right now.
People are like slinkeys; they don’t really serve a purpose, but you can’t help but laugh when one of them falls down the stairs.
"I want to marry a smart, rich, and beautiful woman. But I don`t feel like getting married 3 times." - Hesam Ebrahim
I thought my life would include more impromptu sing-alongs.
Thought I was having deja-vu. But it turns out, I do the exact same things every day.
Instead of going to Starbucks, I make my own coffee, yell my name out incorrectly, and then light a $5 bill on fire.
It takes so much self control for me not to write, "you sure about that?" under Facebook engagement announcements.