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Whoever invented marriage was creepy as hell. Like, hey you, I love you so much, I`m gonna get the government involved so you can`t leave.
It`s not so much that I wanted to drink the whole bottle of wine, I just couldn`t figure out how to get the cork back in it.
My sister told me I was not allowed to babysit anymore. Apparently the baby monitor is not supposed to be duct-taped to the baby`s ankle.
Sorry I said "You`ll Do" instead of "I Do" at our wedding.
Babysitters are just teenagers who behave like adults so that adults can go out and behave like teenagers.
I`m not saying not to trust the Internet, but there is an alarming discrepancy between the number of iPads I`ve won and the number of iPads I own.
thinks whoever said, "All men are created equal", obviously has never been to a nude beach!!
Why is it that the most interesting things in life usually aren`t in our best interest?
Ever had one of those days that you feel like you should have skipped the morning coffee and went straight for the booze?
I don`t think the lady who just shushed a baby in the library knows how babies work
My head says go to the gym. My heart says food.
In my experience, temporary insanity can last a long time.
The closest I`ve come to camping was that one time when I fell asleep in the bushes outside your window with my camera.
In life you will meet all sorts of people, happy, moody, shy, loud, weird, and then there`s me So deal with it mmuhaaaaaaaahaaahaaaa that`s right !
If I die, bury me with fire extinguishers. Because: Hell