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People treat New Year’s like some sort of life changing event. If your life sucks today, it’s probably still going to suck tomorrow
Republicans are red, Democrats are blue. The government is shut down cause neither one gives a damn about you.
Fact: 96% of all arguments end with somebody saying “Google that shit!”
Remember when the world ended last year?
The funniest thing about this Facebook status is by the time you realize it doesn`t say anything important, it`s to late for you to stop reading it ... sucker
My dog reacts to the vacuum cleaner the same way I react when my wife says "We need to talk".
A cheap way to get Botox face is by walking your dog in zero degree temperature.
When I`m older, I`m going to buy one of those Volkswagen Bugs. Only because I have a excuse to hit my wife every time we go somewhere.
My stomach just growled so hard I thought I was getting a text message.
Started working on my taxes today and learned why the form is called 1040. For every $50 I make, I get $10 and the gov`t gets $40...
If a clown farts, does it smell funny?
I just had a call from a Charity asking me to donate some of my clothes to the starving people throughout the world. I told them to F off!! Anybody who fits into my clothes isn`t starving!!
I`m the type of person that will burst out laughing in dead silence over something that happened days ago.
I don`t blame Congress. If I had $600 billion, I`d be irresponsible too.
You never outgrow sleepovers, they just become coed.