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Diet goal: I want to lose just enough so that my hand will fit comfortably in a Pringles can...
Love your neighbor ... but don`t get caught.
This pregnancy test confirmed my worst fear….. I’m just fat.
When riding in an elevator, be sure to push all the buttons. Your fellow riders will appreciate the fact that you thought of everyone.
Saw a billboard ad for potato chips that proudly claimed "There`s a lot of pride in every bag!" Hmmm...is "pride" another word for "air"?
Its all sh!ts and giggles until someone giggles and sh!ts
Does anyone know when is the cut-off date to stop wishing someone Happy New Years?
"Rise and shine” is probably the most depressing thing a shoeshiner hears in the morning.
Childhood is like being drunk: Everyone remembers what you did except you.
Id explain it to you, but I don’t have any crayons with me.
Home Alone (1990, Comedy) Two burglars attempt to murder an abandoned 8-year-old child
I`m flattered that you took time out from your lack of a life to judge mine.
Screw it, just add another blade." -Gillette marketing concepts.
Dieting Tip, 1. Make a list of people who have a problem with your weight, 2. Cut them out of your life. 3. Enjoy having lost Hundreds of pounds of Idiots.
Don`t judge a person for drinking; judge a person for not drinking. Those f*ckers are up to something.