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My grocery list is just a piece of paper saying ~ don`t run into anyone you know.
I drink one glass of red wine a day for my health. The rest of the bottle is because I like being drunk.
Ahhhh, bad credit…the best identity theft protection.
Note to self: Next time, don`t use "continue" as the Safe Word.
Mary, mary quit contrary, watched their garden thrive. The cops found seed of a very odd weed; Now they`s doing three to five.
My wife wants to have more kids but I don`t want to have to learn anyone else`s name.
Me: You`ve dimmed the lights already, aren`t we forward? * smiles suggestively * Optometrist: Just read the letters on the screen.
I`m not lazy. I`m just highly motivated to not do anything.
My day at work wasn`t easy, I just made it look that way!
Old is when you start thinking about the things you used to do more than the things you’re going to do.
Thinking about waking up early for a run. Mostly thinking about how I will not be doing that.
I feel bad for the photons that travel 93 million miles from the sun and then have to bounce off your stupid face.
Every pair of panties can be a thong if your a$$ is big enough.
There is a special place in Hell for people who stop at yellow lights.
As I get older, I`ve learned to relax and not stress over trivial matters. Just kidding, I`m drunk.