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"They Dared Me To" should be a legitimate excuse in a Court of Law.
Since there’s only one of me, does that make me an endangered species?
The early bird catches the worm. And the late bird catches one of the other trillion worms left. What`s your point?
I stay a bit overweight because it wouldn`t be fair to all the skinny people if I were this attractive, intelligent, funny and thin. It`s a public service really.
If your wife asks you if you know where the broom is, it`s not a good idea to ask her if she is going somewhere.
For all the parents with kids starting school I just want to say congratulations. You made it through another summer without killing your children!! I am proud of you all!!
If you can`t handle your alcohol I would gladly help you out
My blood test came back as B+ Any tips how I can get an A+ next time?
Whenever I`m feeling down... I try to make sure my nails are clipped.
I`ve been single for a while and I have to say, it`s going very well. Like... It`s working out. I think I`m the one.
First rule of Pizza club, you don’t share it.
To all the students who drop out of high school: Remember two things, 1) You tried your best. 2) I don`t like pickles on my BigMac.
I`ll sell my broken watch when the time is right.
Today I´m going to entertain the kids with a game of duct, duct, tape.