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I`m gonna start a secret porn industry and call it "The Illuminaughty"
Honey, your haters are imaginary. No one wants to be you. I promise.
I like to drink while I clean and that`s how I found out what Febreze tastes like.
Do you ever bring your pet up to a mirror and you`re just like, "That is you."
Do you ever get bored on the internet and then grab your phone to see what the other, smaller internet is up to?
The only correct answer to "Are you ticklish?" is "I will kill you."
The best part about a vacation to England is that my wife won`t need to adjust her driving.
My wife thinks Iām at work. My boss thinks Iām home sick. These ducks think Iām awesome because I have the bread.
Punctuality is a waste of time since no one is ever there to appreciate it.
I now have permanent vision loss due to excessive eye-rolling at stupid idiots.
I don`t think my neighbor knows my rule about not interacting unless we`re both pointing at the same tornado.
I make a great second impression.
Hand dryers are a great way to see how your hands look while skydiving.
If you`re feeling powerless just remember a single one of your turds can shut down an entire water park.
When someone calls you a bitch just say a bitch is a dog, a dog barks, bark is on trees, trees are nature and nature is beautiful. thanks for the compliment ;)