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In marijuana`s defense, I`m lazy as sh!t completely sober too.
my wish for tonight is for the person reading this status to have a Good Night!
There is no "we" in "bacon", so don`t even ask.
Only 2 phrases can change a woman’s mood: ”I Love You” and ”50% Off”.
I recently took up meditation. It beats sitting around doing nothing.
Do you ever get bored on the internet and then grab your phone to see what the other, smaller internet is up to?
I don`t just burn bridges, I drain the lake, fill it with concrete, and build a shopping mall on that bitch!
I’m a lonely Status. I wish more people liked me.
Punctuality is a waste of time since no one is ever there to appreciate it.
Teacher: Why are you late!? Me: There was a man who lost a $100 bill..Teacher: That’s nice. Were you helping him look for it? Me: No, I was standing on it until he f*cked off.
My penis was in the Guinness book of World Records. Then the librarian told me I had to take it out before she called security.
Every time I make plans to eat better I can hear my stomach laughing
Rich people have rehab. Poor people have jail.
One day on Mercury lasts about 1,408 hours. About the same as a common Monday on Earth.
Did you hear about the homeless guy that tried selling me meth?.... Yeah it was Bumcrack.